coffeelove

I wish I wasn't so tense all the time. I wish I could truly relax, just for a minute, for my shoulders and neck to stop aching.
I am in a state of constant alert, though the meds are slowly kicking in I am still waiting for a panic attack.
I sleep all day cause getting out of bed means facing the world, and something out there always makes me tick.

Tomorrow I have my first shift at my second job, I'll get through it, I just have to.
I've wanted to call and say 'hey, I have anxiety and panic disorder, I don't think I can go through with this',
but it means letting my anxiety win, it's telling my fucked up brain that 'yes, there is something to be afraid of'.
There really isn't. My rational, normal self knows that.
Why can't whatever thing in my brain understand the same thing?
It's okay to be nervous but god, do I have to have a full blown panic attack every time I try something new?

And I feel like such a coward, running back to my meds at the first sign of trouble. But I don't see how I can have a normal, happy life without them. The therapy helped a bit I guess. It's made it easier to control the panic attacks at least. But I had wished it could have made it disappear for good but I suppose nothing can.
I just wish it wasn't a constant battle when I'm like this.
I wish I wasn't so tired.