coffeelove

I've had a somewhat interesting weekend. Last night mom and I shared two bottles of wine, one bottle of Baileys and then one bottle of whiskey.
We laughed and cried. Mostly we cried. My eyes are still puffy.
It is a strange and painful thing, to hold my mother in my arms, crying and sobbing into my shoulder.
I can't remember what started off our mutual waterworks, the past, our family, the death of a sister/aunt, my anxiety, guilt..
We talked a lot about when she left my father and how it affected us both, about my troubled teen years and I realizes that I wasn't the only one who had it rough back then. She had it just as bad, perhaps even worse.
She really is an amazing woman. I don't know where I would be without her.

Also had a long talk with a co-worker, seems we share a mutual curse, both suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.
I told her how things are getting worse, that I worry so much about what is going to happen in August that my panic attacks are returning.
All afternoon my anxiety has been up through the roof and I thought for sure I was going to pass out at some point. I quit my meds some time ago and now I see no other option than going back on them.
They help. They get me by. I don't really like it but if not I will be exhausted and probably end up not attending school if I get in.
Co-worker said if there were any kind of medication that would work on her, she would take it immediately.
And I suppose I shouldn't feel so awful about it and stop comparing myself to 'normal' people. I can't, cause I'm not normal like that.
I can't function without anti-depressants, it's a fact I just have to reconcile with. Why should I constantly struggle with panic attacks and anxiety when I can take something that will make everything ok?

So yes. Interesting weekend. Don't think I'm done crying just yet though.