This year may receive the dubious honor of being the strangest year of my life.
December always has me contemplating life, the future, the past, all things that fall into my path. Perhaps it is the lack of light that makes it so. Perhaps it is because the year is coming to an end. Maybe it is both.
Nevertheless..
Starting with the trip to Thailand, which without question is the reason for the panic attacks I've had this year.
Awesome trip but I would rather still have the tan lines than the anxiety.
I guess I wasn't ready to take on the world all on my own.
But.. while laying on a beach, toes dipped into warm sand and gazing at turquoise water I also realized I didn't miss him. Not once had I thought that he should have been there with me.
Even with wings I couldn't have felt more free.
And then returning home to spend a week with my dying aunt. Waking up early in the mornings, making coffee and breakfast for her. Listening to the radio in silence. Just us. Saying goodbye in our way.
And her passing, however awful that was and how painful it still feels at times, it did bring me closer to cousins. I won't say I feel enlightened or that it gave me a different perspective on things. It changed some things. That's it.
And in this period of time I also met someone who gave me exactly what I wanted and needed.
To that person I owe a lot.
I suspect he knows what he did for me but I will never say this to his face.
But thank you for letting me realize that it wasn't me but all the others, that I have a heart, that I can still feel, thank you for it not meaning anything for both of us, thank you for making those walls disappear.
To another man that meant a lot to me in the short time I had him in my life.
Thank you for your insight.
You're welcome for whatever I gave back and I hope it soothed you.
And now?
I have more or less quit a job that has made me unhappy for years. I love my current job and the feeling of being appreciated is almost overwhelming.
There is that someone..
Everything changed this year.
Some for good, other for worse.
But in the end I am the happiest I have ever been.
Right now the only thing I want is a cup of coffee and a blanket.
Cause I'm still living in Norway and it is fecking cold.
December always has me contemplating life, the future, the past, all things that fall into my path. Perhaps it is the lack of light that makes it so. Perhaps it is because the year is coming to an end. Maybe it is both.
Nevertheless..
Starting with the trip to Thailand, which without question is the reason for the panic attacks I've had this year.
Awesome trip but I would rather still have the tan lines than the anxiety.
I guess I wasn't ready to take on the world all on my own.
But.. while laying on a beach, toes dipped into warm sand and gazing at turquoise water I also realized I didn't miss him. Not once had I thought that he should have been there with me.
Even with wings I couldn't have felt more free.
And then returning home to spend a week with my dying aunt. Waking up early in the mornings, making coffee and breakfast for her. Listening to the radio in silence. Just us. Saying goodbye in our way.
And her passing, however awful that was and how painful it still feels at times, it did bring me closer to cousins. I won't say I feel enlightened or that it gave me a different perspective on things. It changed some things. That's it.
And in this period of time I also met someone who gave me exactly what I wanted and needed.
To that person I owe a lot.
I suspect he knows what he did for me but I will never say this to his face.
But thank you for letting me realize that it wasn't me but all the others, that I have a heart, that I can still feel, thank you for it not meaning anything for both of us, thank you for making those walls disappear.
To another man that meant a lot to me in the short time I had him in my life.
Thank you for your insight.
You're welcome for whatever I gave back and I hope it soothed you.
And now?
I have more or less quit a job that has made me unhappy for years. I love my current job and the feeling of being appreciated is almost overwhelming.
There is that someone..
Everything changed this year.
Some for good, other for worse.
But in the end I am the happiest I have ever been.
Right now the only thing I want is a cup of coffee and a blanket.
Cause I'm still living in Norway and it is fecking cold.
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
oxy:
im glad that your so happy. Lets hope that next year makes you even more so
majorboredom:
that's how life is i guess. some people have magnetic laps that attract great things towards it. my lap must have the same polarity as the great things. lol!