coffeelove

Tiny victory today. Kept postponing going to the gym until early evening when I finally managed to kick my own butt, kept the anxiety under control and so I went to have an okay work-out.
Didn't push myself as hard as I usually do cause I was a bit weirded out while I was at the gym but baby steps, right?
Have cancelled out on...
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My head hurts so bad. I've been crying and crying since Monday, I hate being back to this state of panic and anxiety. It haven't been this bad in almost two years and I hardly remember how I got through it.
Managed to calm myself down using some meditation techniques and whatnot but I'm exhausted.
I hope I'll wake up tomorrow, somewhat more stable, so...
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I've had a somewhat interesting weekend. Last night mom and I shared two bottles of wine, one bottle of Baileys and then one bottle of whiskey.
We laughed and cried. Mostly we cried. My eyes are still puffy.
It is a strange and painful thing, to hold my mother in my arms, crying and sobbing into my shoulder.
I can't remember what started off our...
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Anxiety is on the rise again. Whyy?

I was standing at the top of the stairs, preventing him from going downstairs to join the party. Slightly disappointed by his drunkeness, yet again, I had decided to get him to bed so he could sleep it off.
He was looking in to different rooms, trying to find a suitable bed when he suddenly bit my arm and then grabbed me, push me back...
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Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we dont know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

Anais Nin

Woah, I'm 26...
Birthday party!

I flip the pages back and forth, palm trees, monkeys, her turqoise eyes looking at me,
a red bandana, a blue ocean, digging my toes deep into the sand, away from the heated top layer down to the cool wet sand.
The smell of diesel mixed with the scent of a heated tarmac, how that first wave of air outside the plane takes my breath...
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For you

I sleep too much. The latest in a hash induced state of bliss.
It's spring but I still can't throw away my seal skin boots or mittens.
I am a paranoid hypocondriac. Perhaps spending my last chunk of cash on a pregnancy test helped cause everything is back to normal.
Eye fucking works.
Soon it was Christmas and then Christmas left.
I have several bottles...
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Wow, I just realized my birthday is coming up.
I feel like I'm getting older and older but no wiser at all. It's just..
It has been a year.. Fuck.