Unpretty yet inspired [27 Apr 2004|01:09am]
I feel ugly, so much I wanna cry. I feel torn and not good enough. But I do it to myself. I mean who cares what you look like? It shouldn't matter but it does. It changes the way people respond to you. I audition AGAIN to work at scores today. I got the job and can start whenever I want to. I will give notice at Stephanies though, just to keep things good with the manager there.
the_black_hey_soose: yes?
sparklemotion666: hey
sparklemotion666: what are you doing?
the_black_hey_soose: nothing, you
sparklemotion666: ugly
sparklemotion666: i am ugly
sparklemotion666: and i am fat
sparklemotion666: and i want to die
I don't really want to die, I just want to magically control my appearance. And I am jealouse because Katherine is spending the night at Brittney's house. Not that I have any basis to feel that way. I am completly irrational and dumb for allowing myself to feel that way. I have to loose weight, I can look like this no more. I feel gross and undesirable. I remember when I was in high school (a senior) and people would compliment me all the time. And guys would ask me out. I wanna be petite again. And I don't care what it takes to get that way, even if this calls for unhealthy measures. I got some awesome vintage porn today one movie of late 1940's pin-up girls, the other one of silent porn from the 1920's!!!! So That helps a little. All the other dancers at the scores place were hotter than hell!! Petite and round breasted! I don't car about boobies but I want a smaller body for sure, I feel so gross. I look like an ameba.
the_black_hey_soose: what brought this on
sparklemotion666: everything
the_black_hey_soose: care to go into details?
sparklemotion666: everything
sparklemotion666: i am screaming inside
sparklemotion666: i went to scores today got the job but everyone else who works there is skinnier than me and hotter
sparklemotion666: and then brittney has this girl cuddling her in the bed that is gotter than me
sparklemotion666: i am a piece of shit
the_black_hey_soose: but you have brett, so i dont see what the big deal is
sparklemotion666: i don't fucking care about that
sparklemotion666: you don't know me
sparklemotion666: i need people to latch on to me
sparklemotion666: its sick
sparklemotion666: but i feel like i am shit and i need people to tell me other wise
the_black_hey_soose: what does brett tell you?
sparklemotion666: he tells me i'm okay but he will always say that because he loves me, but i am not even hot enough for him
sparklemotion666: hes hotter than me
I listened to peaches. I have to go to painting tomorrow to finish the fuck face painting. Project HOT is in affect. Gotta get thin and desirable. Must dye hair and purge food. JOKES! I actually could never throw up my food like I used to. I am less than. I do not stand out ina croud. Useless. I need a new stripper name maybe, for my new place of employment. Fuck me.
I get knocked down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love,
Shit face
post comment
I feel ugly, so much I wanna cry. I feel torn and not good enough. But I do it to myself. I mean who cares what you look like? It shouldn't matter but it does. It changes the way people respond to you. I audition AGAIN to work at scores today. I got the job and can start whenever I want to. I will give notice at Stephanies though, just to keep things good with the manager there.
the_black_hey_soose: yes?
sparklemotion666: hey
sparklemotion666: what are you doing?
the_black_hey_soose: nothing, you
sparklemotion666: ugly
sparklemotion666: i am ugly
sparklemotion666: and i am fat
sparklemotion666: and i want to die
I don't really want to die, I just want to magically control my appearance. And I am jealouse because Katherine is spending the night at Brittney's house. Not that I have any basis to feel that way. I am completly irrational and dumb for allowing myself to feel that way. I have to loose weight, I can look like this no more. I feel gross and undesirable. I remember when I was in high school (a senior) and people would compliment me all the time. And guys would ask me out. I wanna be petite again. And I don't care what it takes to get that way, even if this calls for unhealthy measures. I got some awesome vintage porn today one movie of late 1940's pin-up girls, the other one of silent porn from the 1920's!!!! So That helps a little. All the other dancers at the scores place were hotter than hell!! Petite and round breasted! I don't car about boobies but I want a smaller body for sure, I feel so gross. I look like an ameba.
the_black_hey_soose: what brought this on
sparklemotion666: everything
the_black_hey_soose: care to go into details?
sparklemotion666: everything
sparklemotion666: i am screaming inside
sparklemotion666: i went to scores today got the job but everyone else who works there is skinnier than me and hotter
sparklemotion666: and then brittney has this girl cuddling her in the bed that is gotter than me
sparklemotion666: i am a piece of shit
the_black_hey_soose: but you have brett, so i dont see what the big deal is
sparklemotion666: i don't fucking care about that
sparklemotion666: you don't know me
sparklemotion666: i need people to latch on to me
sparklemotion666: its sick
sparklemotion666: but i feel like i am shit and i need people to tell me other wise
the_black_hey_soose: what does brett tell you?
sparklemotion666: he tells me i'm okay but he will always say that because he loves me, but i am not even hot enough for him
sparklemotion666: hes hotter than me
I listened to peaches. I have to go to painting tomorrow to finish the fuck face painting. Project HOT is in affect. Gotta get thin and desirable. Must dye hair and purge food. JOKES! I actually could never throw up my food like I used to. I am less than. I do not stand out ina croud. Useless. I need a new stripper name maybe, for my new place of employment. Fuck me.
I get knocked down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love,
Shit face
post comment
As for Brittney, it sounds like the problem is that she was cuddling someone else, not that the someone else is hot.
I'm sorry Brett doesnt make you feel sexy enough. I hope he gets a chance to read this. If he loves you, he needs to work harder to make you feel like the goddess you are.