So, I picked up a friend at the airport tonight, and as I sat there waiting, I got the biggest feeling of wanting to just pick up and leave. I really want to go somewhere bad. I am due for a big road trip I think. Maybe in October, if I have sold my extra car, I'll cruise down through California, and back up through New Mexico, Arizona, and Nevada.
I think this wanting to go has to do with some old feelings that won't go away. I let them drive me to accept a transfer to Seattle once before, where I was completely miserable. I feel like moving to Bend, but part of me is telling me that I am just doing it to escape again. I think it is different in that I truly love Bend, and think I would be happy moving there. When I moved to Seattle, it was my only option at the time to get away. I enjoy visiting Seattle, but even when I moved, I did not want to live there. Now I am back here in PDX, have been for 2 years, in a new job, new company, but I still feel disconnected from everything. Lost. One of the sole reasons for me wanting to leave Portland, and then once in Seattle made me want to come back is still here, and still in my life. There is a lot of love there, but I think it is all in me, and will never be what I want it to be. Yet I am unable to let it go. Fuck! Life, ya' just got to live it, and hope you come out in the end better for having gone through it.
I do think some things will get better; I have finally gotten my debts taken care of. Not the way I wanted to, but it's done. I can start to rebuild my financial future. It is key. That is another possible reason for the desire to go. No debts hanging over my head. Just the Month to month bills that could easily be taken care of should I want or need to.
Besides Bend, I have also thought the east coast would be an interesting place to move to. I am thinking Boston, or NYC. Americorps is now an even better option with my debts taken care of. I would be able to move somewhere, and have a job, doing things for others, rent taken care of, and earning money to go back to school. I need to go to their office on Burnside and pick up some materials, talk to folks that are doing it now, that sort of thing.
Well, this has been a long one. Kind of rambled along. Trying to get myself back into writing. Trying to form coherent sentences that actually say something. Not sure if that was accomplished. I have a ton of stuff going on in my head right now. I should be in bed right now. Going to go for a long walk in the morning, I need to start back to walking daily. I always feel so much better. It has been 4 days since my last cigarette. They have really seemed revolting lately which is good. All right I got to wrap this up. Peace, I'm outta here. Good times to you and yours. Cheers!
**Updated** to add some lyrics to one of my favorite songs, it helps cheer me up sometimes.
The Sundays: Summertime
do some people wind up with the one that they adore
in a heart shaped hotel room that's what a heart is for
the bubble floats so madly will it stay sky high
hello partner kiss your name bye bye
sometimes...
romantic piscean seeks angel in disguise
chinese speaking girlfriend big brown eyes
liverpudlian lady sophisticated male
hello partner tell me love can't fail
and it's you and me in the summertime
we'll be hand in hand down in the park
with a squeeze and a sigh and a twinkle in your eye
while the sunshine banishes the dark
do some people wind up with the one that they abhor
in a distant hell house third world war
but all i see is films where the colourless despair
mean angry young men with immaculate hair
sometimes...
get up a voice inside you says there's no time for looking down
only a pound a word and you're talking to the town
and how do you coin a phrase now that will set your soul apart
just to touch a lonely heart?
and it's you and me in the summertime
moving hand in hand down in the park
with a squeeze and a sigh and a twinkle in your eye
while the sunshine banishes the dark
and it's you i need in the summertime
as i turn my white skin red
two peas in the same pod yes we are
have i read too much fiction or
is this how it happens?
how does it happen?
is this how it happens?
I think this wanting to go has to do with some old feelings that won't go away. I let them drive me to accept a transfer to Seattle once before, where I was completely miserable. I feel like moving to Bend, but part of me is telling me that I am just doing it to escape again. I think it is different in that I truly love Bend, and think I would be happy moving there. When I moved to Seattle, it was my only option at the time to get away. I enjoy visiting Seattle, but even when I moved, I did not want to live there. Now I am back here in PDX, have been for 2 years, in a new job, new company, but I still feel disconnected from everything. Lost. One of the sole reasons for me wanting to leave Portland, and then once in Seattle made me want to come back is still here, and still in my life. There is a lot of love there, but I think it is all in me, and will never be what I want it to be. Yet I am unable to let it go. Fuck! Life, ya' just got to live it, and hope you come out in the end better for having gone through it.
I do think some things will get better; I have finally gotten my debts taken care of. Not the way I wanted to, but it's done. I can start to rebuild my financial future. It is key. That is another possible reason for the desire to go. No debts hanging over my head. Just the Month to month bills that could easily be taken care of should I want or need to.
Besides Bend, I have also thought the east coast would be an interesting place to move to. I am thinking Boston, or NYC. Americorps is now an even better option with my debts taken care of. I would be able to move somewhere, and have a job, doing things for others, rent taken care of, and earning money to go back to school. I need to go to their office on Burnside and pick up some materials, talk to folks that are doing it now, that sort of thing.
Well, this has been a long one. Kind of rambled along. Trying to get myself back into writing. Trying to form coherent sentences that actually say something. Not sure if that was accomplished. I have a ton of stuff going on in my head right now. I should be in bed right now. Going to go for a long walk in the morning, I need to start back to walking daily. I always feel so much better. It has been 4 days since my last cigarette. They have really seemed revolting lately which is good. All right I got to wrap this up. Peace, I'm outta here. Good times to you and yours. Cheers!
**Updated** to add some lyrics to one of my favorite songs, it helps cheer me up sometimes.
The Sundays: Summertime
do some people wind up with the one that they adore
in a heart shaped hotel room that's what a heart is for
the bubble floats so madly will it stay sky high
hello partner kiss your name bye bye
sometimes...
romantic piscean seeks angel in disguise
chinese speaking girlfriend big brown eyes
liverpudlian lady sophisticated male
hello partner tell me love can't fail
and it's you and me in the summertime
we'll be hand in hand down in the park
with a squeeze and a sigh and a twinkle in your eye
while the sunshine banishes the dark
do some people wind up with the one that they abhor
in a distant hell house third world war
but all i see is films where the colourless despair
mean angry young men with immaculate hair
sometimes...
get up a voice inside you says there's no time for looking down
only a pound a word and you're talking to the town
and how do you coin a phrase now that will set your soul apart
just to touch a lonely heart?
and it's you and me in the summertime
moving hand in hand down in the park
with a squeeze and a sigh and a twinkle in your eye
while the sunshine banishes the dark
and it's you i need in the summertime
as i turn my white skin red
two peas in the same pod yes we are
have i read too much fiction or
is this how it happens?
how does it happen?
is this how it happens?