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Wow I think I have made some life changing decsions tonight. A. I have decided that within the next 3 months I am quiting my corporate job. B. Getting rid of my CRV, in favor for a VW bus(had one long ago, and to this day is the vehicle I dream about). And C. I am going to be doing more things for myself. I was at Who, Song, and Larry's tonight, attending a going away gathering for a friend who is moving to Arizona. At this table were all fellow coworkers or people who work for the same company as I. We all have some things in common, but mostly it is just where we work. I realized I do not spend enough time with the friends that really count, the ones I don't have conversations about work with. Also at this table is the lady I have been friends with for 5 years now, and have tried in vain to have a deeper relationship with, looking at her I came to the conclusion that even with 5 years of friendship under our belts, I don't know her. As of late we have not hung out like we used to, which I am slowly realizing is good thing. I have been hanging out with her for the simple fact that I am mostly physically attracted to her. Mostly in the context of drinking buddy. She has been the girl I have wanted to take my innocence away. We have been naked together many times, just no sex, wierd. I do know that I like many things about her and she will always be a good friend, but I've been foucusing on the wrong things, and have failed to know her the right way. I have also presented her a false me. I am a solitary individual, and always will be, but need to get out and see what I am missing. I have a history on focusing on one individual, and it never works out. I can keep to my solitude, but I also must learn to present myself to others so, that I may learn more about myself and what I ultimatley need. I also had the deepest conversation about these things with my mother I have ever had. I did leave out the whole virginty thing, she doesn't need to hear that. Since I have been working in Salem latley I have been crashing here at her apartment. I was really glad she was up when I got home. This conversation was long over due. I have also cleared up some of my depression, by now knowing the root cause of it. An epiphany if you will. I figure nows the time to reinvent myself, because it sure won't get any easier as I get older. My mind is racing right now and I am having trouble conveying everythinig I am feeling. I am now going to lay in bed, thinking of the things I need to say to all those I know.