I'm not sure what is prompting me to write this. Heck, I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this. This will probably be my one and only entry. It just feels like something I should do. I've felt odd all day. Just off-kilter or unfocused. I've been living in a new place for about two months now. 1300 miles from what I'd like to call "home". The truth is, I haven't had a "home" for almost a decade now. What am I? A nomad or a thrill seeker? An Explorer? I wouldn't dare to go that far...
My chest tightens and I lose my breath. I could really use a smoke. Panic surrounds me like a tight wool blanket. I've had too much coffee today. I've seen her again. I'm crazy. I don't know where to put the blame. Regardless, it's my mistake. There goes my pulse again. Pounding away like a bass drum. God, I need that cigarette.
Why is there so much pain to be found in beauty? Why is it that the things I love hurt me more than anything else? Why do I put myself in these situations? I torture myself time and time again.
Her car is outside my window. She's visiting a friend in the apartment building across from mine. She wouldn't drop in on me. No, she'd never come to visit me. Why she pushes me away, I'll never understand. I love her. I've never felt this way about anyone. But she pushes me away. My hands are shaking. If she won't let me be with her, why won't she just leave me alone? Go away. Park somewhere else. I don't care what you do, but please leave me out of it.
This all sounds like the ramblings of a guy whose lost it a little...I understand that. They say love is a lot like a mental disease. Makes people think irrationally. Punch drunk love or something like that. Does anyone really know what it is? Better question, does anyone know a cure?
Hands are still shaking. Seriously, I need a smoke. Too bad I quit. Maybe a drink? Can't go anywhere if I start drinking now. I drove home intoxicated last Tuesday night. Bad idea. I don't know what I was thinking. Obviously I wasn't thinking. I could have been pulled over or been hurt. Worse, I could have hurt someone else. I don't know what I'd do if that happened. Deep breaths. That's all I can do. Focus on this. Focus on anything else. Anything but her.
I know this all sounds terrible. I just don't know what to do.
