clintron

my life is turning into a John Irving novel... minus incest.
I wish I could just say to certain people the cruel things that I think when they cause me pain and I talk to them (though I did manage to get one 'wait and see' in there). I am scolded for not calling or keeping touch but it's because it causes me less pain. but that is not realized by the other party until I state it. I cannot help but think of myself as having a pathetic and lame existence because I am talking to this person who I should just let go. I don't want to be friends because it just hurts too much. Every time I think of this person I feel horribly sad. and angry because I put so much into this and yet it was apparently not enough.
but I am being unrealistic. It's just hard when somebody says "I love you so much... let's be friends."
I had a better time not talking to you at all. I care too much.
so many cruel things cross my mind that I could say that would make you cry. I would love to say them and I would love to hear you cry. but I can't make myself say them.

being a decent person never got anyone anywhere- all that people do is tell you that you're a nice person. let's be friends because you care so much. I will break your heart.

so anyway christmas was good. it just sucked right as it was becoming boxing day. I got some cool stuff. spent quality time with the family. took a nap on my old bed, in my old room, with all my old junk shoved into half of it. My sister wasn't acting like a fucking idiot. I kissed my mom, which I haven't done in years. I almost cried. I got the Star Wars boxed set and we watched ep. IV.
oh yeah, I took some new pics the other night if you want to look at them. in some of them I'm not wearing glasses, shich you will seldom see.
I'm sorry if I'm becoming a pic whore.

but it's time for the bottle of rum and joy division right now.
and yes, I changed my name. sick of being eve_ill