clintron

SO I had an anxiety attack at work today and scared the shit out of myself. They're not uncommon for me, typically they last around maybe 10 seconds or so, just to let me know they're there. This one, though, lasted a couple of minutes and really scared me, and then it just went down all of a sudden. I don't know, I need to stop this, I need to change my life or something, because obviously things can't be all that great if I have anxiety attacks all the time. I am sick of everything, I hate what I have become, but it doesn't seem like I have the will to change it and I hate that too. I'm getting fucked out of jobs, yet I see myself just flunking out of school again if I were to go back. I have people crawling up my ass about everything, everything, and I can't stand it. I want to get away but I have no money and no way to get there. My family, and this includes the relatives and such, all hate me because I don't get in touch with them, I don't call them, I don't talk to them, probably because I'm too self-absorbed, trying to keep some sort of control over my own pathetic life. Maybe they don't hate me per se, but they are disappointed in me because I'm not doing anything with my life. ["Blah blah blah, you're a smart kid, why do you do this..." Well no shit. I don't know. Why are you asking me? You think this is somehow miraculously not going to make me feel worse, but something else instead?] I don't think that they realize just how much I understand, how much I am disappointed in me, too, but I just can't seem to do anything about it. This sounds lame, yes, but I just don't know how to help myself. I just keep fucking up. I can't deal with it any more.