Fucking Christ. I haven't posted since October. i have all these thoughts that I want to write down but I never do and it kills me. I've had a few beers and had the day off from work today- something of a rarity.
Do you ever watch a movie and want to blow your head off?
It happens to me more and more. Movies never used to affect me. Now every movie that's about loneliness and human contact makes me feel like shit. i don't even watch that many movies. Lost In Translation spurred my last bout of total and complete idiot drunkenness. I think I blacked out that night. Was that the night that I was being bought shots of whiskey because I was such a moron? I'm not sure.
I'm well on my way now and it's not quite 7pm yet. I need to eat something.
I need to go see a doctor. My anxiety attacks are coming back- I know it. They're not far off... my nervous tic has already returned and it's almost constant now- my left eye just twitches uncontrollably sometimes. Sometimes some other part of me twitches. This hasn't happened since I moved down here. Now that I have a real job and responsibilities again I'm freaking out again. I don't sleep, and when I do I can't sleep until like 4am anyway. It really sucks.
I have all these plans but haven't done much of anything to accomplish them. I mean, one of them is opening up a savings account at a credit union that's probably about two miles from my house. It's not hard. I just haven't done it.
Drinking fluctuates... sometimes it's a lot, sometimes it's not. I've once more taken up the habit of not bringing money to work so I can't stay there to drink any more than my shift drink. Previously when I had done that the only thing that happened was that people would buy me drinks so I'd still get drunk all the time. That hasn't happened yet, but we'll give it some time. People are too nice, and I'll never figure anything out. I know I shouldn't drink. I just want to control it. can I? I don't know... or only for two- or three- month periods, apparently.
I think I have four days off coming to me next week... Thursday through Sunday. I will use that time to go to New York and stay with a friend of mine. I need to get out of this god- forsaken place... I just never have time.
But now I do... four whole days. Brooklyn. Who knows.
Will I return?
Who knows..
Who am I kidding.. yes.... and I'll resume the same shit that I've been doing and probably wake up to the same bad thoughts and see the same lame fucking people and just kind of go blank. I wish people would stop talking to me. I don't really, but I don;t know what to say. "Oh, hey... nice life. Hope you're well. See you tonight at the pub..." as I do inevitably and yet endearingly so they always want to hug me when all I can think of is putting a pistol in my mouth and exploding my head.
Am I kidding? Why am I writing this? do I feel this way? I don't know. I do sometimes. I am drunk now so it's all funny and I don't know what to think. What I do know is that I wake up in the morning and wonder why... used to have fantasies about hanging myself out the window of my old room or just being dead all of a sudden and it got better for a while but now it's coming back.
I have episodes of mania pretty frequently now, followed almost immediately by crashing and hating life and everything in it..
Long story short.. I need to try to sort this shit out. no motivation, though...
I definitely have some things to be proud of- I haven't smoked a cigarette in a year. I haven't done cocaine in a year. i definitely drink a good bit less than I used to. I do have a good job, even if I let it wear me out. I do have friends, even if I won't let myself admit it.
I'm not a loser, or at least not as much as I feel like I am. I'm just lonely and bored and......................?
I don't know. This is life I guess. Yes?
Do you ever watch a movie and want to blow your head off?
It happens to me more and more. Movies never used to affect me. Now every movie that's about loneliness and human contact makes me feel like shit. i don't even watch that many movies. Lost In Translation spurred my last bout of total and complete idiot drunkenness. I think I blacked out that night. Was that the night that I was being bought shots of whiskey because I was such a moron? I'm not sure.
I'm well on my way now and it's not quite 7pm yet. I need to eat something.
I need to go see a doctor. My anxiety attacks are coming back- I know it. They're not far off... my nervous tic has already returned and it's almost constant now- my left eye just twitches uncontrollably sometimes. Sometimes some other part of me twitches. This hasn't happened since I moved down here. Now that I have a real job and responsibilities again I'm freaking out again. I don't sleep, and when I do I can't sleep until like 4am anyway. It really sucks.
I have all these plans but haven't done much of anything to accomplish them. I mean, one of them is opening up a savings account at a credit union that's probably about two miles from my house. It's not hard. I just haven't done it.
Drinking fluctuates... sometimes it's a lot, sometimes it's not. I've once more taken up the habit of not bringing money to work so I can't stay there to drink any more than my shift drink. Previously when I had done that the only thing that happened was that people would buy me drinks so I'd still get drunk all the time. That hasn't happened yet, but we'll give it some time. People are too nice, and I'll never figure anything out. I know I shouldn't drink. I just want to control it. can I? I don't know... or only for two- or three- month periods, apparently.
I think I have four days off coming to me next week... Thursday through Sunday. I will use that time to go to New York and stay with a friend of mine. I need to get out of this god- forsaken place... I just never have time.
But now I do... four whole days. Brooklyn. Who knows.
Will I return?
Who knows..
Who am I kidding.. yes.... and I'll resume the same shit that I've been doing and probably wake up to the same bad thoughts and see the same lame fucking people and just kind of go blank. I wish people would stop talking to me. I don't really, but I don;t know what to say. "Oh, hey... nice life. Hope you're well. See you tonight at the pub..." as I do inevitably and yet endearingly so they always want to hug me when all I can think of is putting a pistol in my mouth and exploding my head.
Am I kidding? Why am I writing this? do I feel this way? I don't know. I do sometimes. I am drunk now so it's all funny and I don't know what to think. What I do know is that I wake up in the morning and wonder why... used to have fantasies about hanging myself out the window of my old room or just being dead all of a sudden and it got better for a while but now it's coming back.
I have episodes of mania pretty frequently now, followed almost immediately by crashing and hating life and everything in it..
Long story short.. I need to try to sort this shit out. no motivation, though...
I definitely have some things to be proud of- I haven't smoked a cigarette in a year. I haven't done cocaine in a year. i definitely drink a good bit less than I used to. I do have a good job, even if I let it wear me out. I do have friends, even if I won't let myself admit it.
I'm not a loser, or at least not as much as I feel like I am. I'm just lonely and bored and......................?
I don't know. This is life I guess. Yes?
frost:
err...too long to read. come up here and tell me about it!