clem

Today I want to share a text I just posted on a forum where I've spent a lot of time the past 2 years. It's called Dry Eye Zone, and here is the link of the post I talk about. It's really important for me to share it today because I'm grateful for where I am now.

In may 2014, I woke up one day and my eyes felt horribly painful with no reason. I went to my regular opht, she took a look at my eyes and told me nothing was wrong with them, they were "just dry". I was shocked : how could that be possible? How could I be in so much PAIN if everything was ok, or at least, not severe? You know what happened next : the hours spent looking for explanations online, and for a doctor who could help me in France, etc. 3 months later I met Dr Doan, specialized in ocular surface diseases, and my nightmare became true : "your eyes are severely dry, you have a chronic disease called meibomian gland dysfunction". Hello new life.

At 26, with my borderline personality disorder, it was hard to accept. From May 2014 to august 2015, I never stopped wearing sunglasses or tinted glasses. Nothing helped, the pain was horrible, and all the drops, remedies, caps, diets were not helping. I was a mess, coping the best I could, waking up at 6 am four times a week to lift weights before going to work because sweating made my eyes feel better.

Things got slowly better in august 2015 with no more explanation or reason. I wish I COULD tell you what magic trick I used, but I can't. Now my eyes feel so much better and each day I am grateful for this because I went through hell. I just needed to post this to give you HOPE because when I was at my worst, feeling my eyes burning 24/24, without the ability to just OPEN them more than 3 secs, I was contemplating suicide seriously.

I'm not cured. I have recurrent "flare ups" that can take weeks, but it always get better with time.

What helped me is just acceptance. I don't want to give you any psychology speech here, but stopping to fight the pain was the best thing I've ever done. Because I was not able to get any relief, becoming frustrated for something I couldn't fix was making myself even more depressed, stressed, worried, and obviously the pain was worse. I think accepting that I had a disability that may never go away was key. Now when I have a flare up after a quiet break I just try to stay calm and remember time heals all wounds. That for now I can't do anything to feel better except closing my eyes, listening to an audiobook, sleeping, anything that doesn't require my eyes... and I accept it. I accept it even if I feel this is not fair, because I'm young and I would better watch TV series all night long or go out with friends, even if I wish things were different, well... they're not. I'm plagued with this and I don't have a choice.

Better living with this that against it, because obviously medicine can't do much for us at the present moment.

Please stay strong.

If your dry eye syndrome came out of the blue like mine, it may just go without explanation too. But remember I am not cured by any means. I just went from "everyday pain" to chronic pain. But honestly if that's the only way for me to get any relief, I'm fine with it.

Love ❤️