Hi @rambo @missy @lyxzen !
Sorry guys, I know I was not really active these days, sometimes life gets in the way and I had to deal with a « break up/getting back together » exhausting game with my ex (hopefully, I'm done with this sh*t).
After the third try, I knew this guy wouldn’t commit and I had to accept I was in love with a ghost. To be true, I see this breakup as a real opportunity to grow and change my life for good. My natural tendency to fall into destructive relationships is a real problem, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I don’t know why, but I’m pretty sure I can say I’ve only dated narcissist sociopaths during the last decade : those guys problems aren’t my business anymore, but I’ve realized this pattern in my relationships meant something about ME, and I had to deal with it.
I’ve realized I was addict to dismissive and distant partners because they created an abandonment anxiety in me. This fear of abandonment creates a real tension, like something really stressful, you know that horrible feeling in your stomach when you’re hurt or afraid ? That’s it. My mistake has always been to think this intense feeling was attraction. It wasn’t. No more Mr Avoidant, now I will let the guys I’ve been ignoring for years (because it was "too easy") come into my life.
This fear of rejection is something I knew was burried deep down inside me, but I wasn’t ready to face it until today. I know it has something to do with my childhood and all that stuff, so I’ve decided to see a therapist to understand and fix this problem.
Akeru (japanese) : to clear out; to end; become empty; to dawn; to relax from a tense situation into a vacant or absent minded state; to make space.
Time to embark on a life-changing journey."Happy" is my new mojo.
Love, & all.
Clem
