clearlii

I get too excited about love.. it's a bad pattern. That plus a whole past full of baggage, homesickness and exhaustion make for a really bad combination.
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So, Aaron and I were talking Thanksgiving night over the phone.. and I hate the phone, because I always feel so disconnected. Since I was already feeling a little insecure about everything between us, I kinda started to feel insecure about myself. He comes from a family with money, so he has nice things.. a nice pad, a nice car. I live comfortably, but I work my ass off for it.. and comfortable for me isn't exactly the high life. I have simple tastes, like simple pleasures... and so I started to "warn" him of these things... that my apartment is small and dated, not in a place like Solana Beach. That I don't have designer duds... That I'd rather go to an observatory than a movie. He was like, "You are analyzing this way too much..." as in, we aren't even really dating yet.. so get a grip. I think I scared him a little.. showed off my fragility a little too early.. and he was right. But I think too much. It's just me.

So then he came in last night and Jess and I were working together. He and I talked a little.. then he hung out with Jess for a while. They talked a lot. He asked if she was going to hang out for a little bit longer (she was almost off.. I still had two hours to go). Of course.. I started thinking about how much they have in common.. and how Jess is totally cool, interesting and secure.... which only makes me feel less cool, interesting and secure. I wasn't jealous, because I love Jess like no other.. but I just felt the whole Aaron thing slipping more...

So, I came home and did a spread about it... and it couldn't have been more affirming. It showed Aaron just as he is.. energetic, developing, not ready for a real relationship. It showed me as basically dead in between the two of us... while singly, I am still the me I love. It showed our end result as heartache and pretty much over before it began... the last card was Judgement.. basically, heal up and move on.

My mom told me one summer, when we spent a weekend alone for the first and only time in our lives, that she falls in love too easily... Aside from basically looking exactly like her, that is the strongest common bond we have between us. And it's the easiest way to fuck up any potential relationship.

If he calls tonight, I'm going to end this. I think he'll be relieved. If he doesn't call tonight, it'll die on its own.

I'm meant to be alone anyways. Now I just need to channel this into becoming a better musician, so I can justify it.
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I promise.. as soon as this all blows over, I'll be more fun. Thanks for listening.