claudewildman

I need some advice. At the end of July I was dumped. My ex and I were so much to one another and we were going to remain friends but you know how that often goes. I felt that I could continue to be her friend and maybe when I resolved some of the issues that had pushed her away we might get back together so I started working on that. I was fairly succesfull and she was very impressed. One day, however, I made a huge mistake.

I dropped some things off at her apartment when she wasn't there and saw her journal laying out. She's a very closed off person, especially after we broke up, but she writes most things down in her journal. I was desperate to understand her more so I decided to read her journal to see what she was thinking about. What I read was about her having a one night stand a few days after we broke up. I was destroyed. Had she moved on that quickly? I was so distraught that I knew I couldn't act normal around her anymore so I decided to just admit what I had done. I also wanted her to know that I knew what she had done.

So a month passes and we don't speak. Then she IMs me one night to ask if I thought we could start talking again. I tell her it's okay and we start talking and I decide to make up a story about getting drunk and having a one night stand with some random bar chic and then see her reaction. Yes, it's twisted and I have issues. I realize this. For one I wanted her to be jealous and I also wanted to tell her how bad doing that made me feel so that she would feel guilty for having a one night stand. It didn't really effect her in this way. Rather she tells me that she has had sex with 4 guys since she broke up with me, none of whom she's dating. I was absolutly blown away and destroyed yet again. At the end of that conversation she realized I was being manipulative to find out things about her and she got very mad and we're not talking again.

This is absolutely out of character for her. It took quite a while before she and I had sex while we were in a relationship and I always thought sex was much more to her than something she could do on a whim with some guy she dosen't really know. It made me feel like all the passionate deep romantic sex we had had was worthless. I am not one who is comfortbale with casual sex at all. Sex is very sacred to me. Knowing that it isn't for her made me feel horrible.

So here I am about a week after we had that conversation. I miss her so badly and want her as a friend while at the same time I can't get past the idea that she is having sex with multiple guys. It also has to do with jealousy. I haven't even come close to flirting with another girl since her and I broke up. I'm really introverted and not nearly as beautiful as she is.

I'd like to know what you think I should do. Should I try to be her friend again and do my best to not think about her new sex life or should I stay away from her until I don't have romantic feelings for her any longer? I'm so torn. In one sense I want her back in my life as soon as possible and in another sense I don't ever want to see her again and I want every memory I have of her out of my head. Someone lend me their advice please.