I really love my goddaughter. (That's her in my profile pic.)
I mean, Im *supposed* to love her, and even were she a very different little girl, Im sure I still would. Quantum physicists like to smoke weed and theorize that there are these seperate universes that branch off from each possible outcome of any given probability. Each of these universes are creating new universes of their own; an infinite amount of these universes lie next to one another, bleeding quantum particles back and forth through the membrane of What Could Have Been.
Im sure that in one of those maybe-universes, Helene is a good kid.
By good kid, of course, I mean what every adult means when they say good kida child who will obey you without much fuss, and doesnt fuck with you when you are trying to watch a ball game, cook her dinner or talk to the nice policeman about how you had no idea how fast you were going and certainly will never do it again.
Helene is not that kid.
Helene will fuck with you until you are ready to cry, just to see what makes you tick. Later, she will use that knowledge to get dessert without eating dinner, or to watch the whole movie before bed.
Helene surrenders nothing.
She will make you work for the smallest of concessions, unless it pleases her in that moment to acquiesce. From time to time, she will make a great show of obedience, and if you do not appreciate it vocally enough the curtains crash down and the theater lights wink out. Fuck you punk, the boat has left the dock, and you can swim your sorry ass to getting me to go to sleep, because I aint helping shit.
Shes not even five, but I swear shes a seasoned negotiator.
This evening, when I went over to her house, she yelled, CK! and ran up to give me a hug. I yelled, Helene! and kneeled down to receive her charge. This is our usual greeting.
My friend Jay said, What, when I come over you ignore me, but CK gets a hug? Damn, Helene, whats up with that? See if I bring you ice cream next time.
I said, Maybe she doesnt like people who emotionally blackmail her, Jay.
Helene said, No, I do.
Recently, shes started blaming things on her vagina. She pronounces it baghina. Its her invisible friend. If shes challenged to explain herself, and there is nothing to be gained from telling the truth (and rest assured, she weighs these things very carefully), then her baghina made her do it.
How do you answer that? Well, tell your chocha to keep its goddamn hands off the cookies before dinner?
Yesterday, her baghina made her set a trap for dad. She wound her Disney Princess backpack strap around the banister and shut the other end in a door so that the backpack was suspended six inches above the floor. Dad came barreling down the hallway to chew her out for whatever she had gotten in trouble for, and hit this tripwire, falling flat on his face. She busted up laughing.
Thats my motherfucking GIRL right there. That is exactly the kind of shit I would have liked to do, but never have figured out how to do when I was a kid.
Here is my drawing of her on ArtPad. Set the speed to fast.
Ellie-bean is going to really hit the wall once she gets into the part of the world where the adults that youre so much smarter than will fuck you over out of spite. Fortunately, my little head-knocka will be tougher than those bastards, too.
I mean, Im *supposed* to love her, and even were she a very different little girl, Im sure I still would. Quantum physicists like to smoke weed and theorize that there are these seperate universes that branch off from each possible outcome of any given probability. Each of these universes are creating new universes of their own; an infinite amount of these universes lie next to one another, bleeding quantum particles back and forth through the membrane of What Could Have Been.
Im sure that in one of those maybe-universes, Helene is a good kid.
By good kid, of course, I mean what every adult means when they say good kida child who will obey you without much fuss, and doesnt fuck with you when you are trying to watch a ball game, cook her dinner or talk to the nice policeman about how you had no idea how fast you were going and certainly will never do it again.
Helene is not that kid.
Helene will fuck with you until you are ready to cry, just to see what makes you tick. Later, she will use that knowledge to get dessert without eating dinner, or to watch the whole movie before bed.
Helene surrenders nothing.
She will make you work for the smallest of concessions, unless it pleases her in that moment to acquiesce. From time to time, she will make a great show of obedience, and if you do not appreciate it vocally enough the curtains crash down and the theater lights wink out. Fuck you punk, the boat has left the dock, and you can swim your sorry ass to getting me to go to sleep, because I aint helping shit.
Shes not even five, but I swear shes a seasoned negotiator.
This evening, when I went over to her house, she yelled, CK! and ran up to give me a hug. I yelled, Helene! and kneeled down to receive her charge. This is our usual greeting.
My friend Jay said, What, when I come over you ignore me, but CK gets a hug? Damn, Helene, whats up with that? See if I bring you ice cream next time.
I said, Maybe she doesnt like people who emotionally blackmail her, Jay.
Helene said, No, I do.
Recently, shes started blaming things on her vagina. She pronounces it baghina. Its her invisible friend. If shes challenged to explain herself, and there is nothing to be gained from telling the truth (and rest assured, she weighs these things very carefully), then her baghina made her do it.
How do you answer that? Well, tell your chocha to keep its goddamn hands off the cookies before dinner?
Yesterday, her baghina made her set a trap for dad. She wound her Disney Princess backpack strap around the banister and shut the other end in a door so that the backpack was suspended six inches above the floor. Dad came barreling down the hallway to chew her out for whatever she had gotten in trouble for, and hit this tripwire, falling flat on his face. She busted up laughing.
Thats my motherfucking GIRL right there. That is exactly the kind of shit I would have liked to do, but never have figured out how to do when I was a kid.
Here is my drawing of her on ArtPad. Set the speed to fast.
Ellie-bean is going to really hit the wall once she gets into the part of the world where the adults that youre so much smarter than will fuck you over out of spite. Fortunately, my little head-knocka will be tougher than those bastards, too.
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that was my total favorite line in your most recent e-mail. i seriously laughed out loud.
you know the answer is yes. but only for you. ha.
plus i wanted to see you regulate those troublemakers.