cipher

And the worlds got me dizzy again.
You think after 22 years Id be used to the spin,
but it only feels worse when I stay in one place
so Im always pacing around or walking away.

Not graduating on Saturday wouldn't have been a problem.
Going to commencement anyway was.

This is never an easy time of year. Friendships forged in classes but not yet brought outside academia slip away. People graduate and leave, many of them never to be seen or heard from again. Close friends, especially this year, leave for their hometowns, in the distant burbs, as far away as Madison.

But I was supposed to be walking down that goddamn aisle on Saturday. I would have, if I were a stable person. If I hadn't fucked up so many times, in so many ways.
Instead I watched several hundred people I've lived alongside for four years do it. People I'll probably never see again.

And that hurt far more than I would have imagined.
I'm not well. I've never really pretended otherwise---except that I know, on the deepest of levels, that I will be.

Fuck it. Hey, how about this weather?