cipher

Today is May 18th, 2005. The 25th anniversary of Ian Curtis' suicide.
I can't grasp this. How can such a talent, someone with so much influence on my life, have been dead for a quarter of a century?


So many mixed feelings about this. It seems most people expect me to kill myself, and sometimes it's tempting to just give them what they expect. But I've never been one for the easy road, never been interesting in fulfilling the expectations or desires of others.
But it seems that suicide is something I need to come to terms with. It's been a ghost hanging in the background of my life for as long as I can remember.
Maybe this is why I identify so much with Ian.

Nothing is particularly right in my life. Nothing's particularly wrong, either. I just feel like I'm in some kind of stasis, still trapped in a goddamned chrysalis. I need to graduate, to move on. I'm really starting to believe that I can't move on until that happens. But then I can live, and shine.