If I have any one skill at all, it's getting myself into shitty situations. The one thing (and there's always something) I forgot back in Grand Forks was my cell phone charger. So now my phone's dead, has been since shortly after midnight on New Year's.
This is why I didn't want a cell phone-I knew I'd become dependent on the little parasite. And here I am, lost without it.
So I spent the last two days doing nothing. Tried to get through all three extended versions of "The Lord of the Rings." Got bored. Played a lot of solitaire. Haven't had an appetite since Thursday...I eat occassionally only because it seems like I ought to. I've hardly slept. Took and hour long walk last night, in the beautiful cold...
I'm phoneless, and she won't see me until we hash out the problems I've had with her over the phone. She's relieved. I'm...well, I don't know. I'm not miserable, and in spite of the laundry list up top, I'm not falling apart. I just haven't had anything better to do. But I'm not relieved. This hasn't made anything easier, just more simple.
Tomorrow I start work and class again. This'll be good for me, having somewhere to put my energies. Something to occupy myself. Like getting up and to work by 8:30. Now that's a fucking challenge.
I don't know what I expected I'd feel at this point, but this isn't it. I wish there was more definition to things. By all appearances, she's done with me, already moving on. And yet we're not exactly over...or she wouldn't say so on Friday, though I asked.
I've thought up a lot of clever things to write here in the past couple days, waiting for campus to reopen, but they escape me now. Perhaps if I'd written them down, I'd share them anyway. But it all seems pointless and hollow anyway.
The point is this: I'm thoroughly sick of disappointing people, mostly myself. Of owing debts to people, chiefly to myself. Of lying. Probably to myself.
The point is this: Our subjective realities are ridiculous. But they are also the cause of most of our pain.
And I do need you.
I wonder why neither of us could see that.
Fuck it, I'm going to go buy a charger, if I can afford one.
Update, 8:something.
Well, that fucking sucked. Now why in the hell would there by 10 types of cigarette-lighter chargers for people's cars, many for under $10, and one kind of regular charger, going for $20? Can the universe stop fucking with me for one minute (rhetorical question-I know the fucking answer)?
Nevermind.
This is why I didn't want a cell phone-I knew I'd become dependent on the little parasite. And here I am, lost without it.
So I spent the last two days doing nothing. Tried to get through all three extended versions of "The Lord of the Rings." Got bored. Played a lot of solitaire. Haven't had an appetite since Thursday...I eat occassionally only because it seems like I ought to. I've hardly slept. Took and hour long walk last night, in the beautiful cold...
I'm phoneless, and she won't see me until we hash out the problems I've had with her over the phone. She's relieved. I'm...well, I don't know. I'm not miserable, and in spite of the laundry list up top, I'm not falling apart. I just haven't had anything better to do. But I'm not relieved. This hasn't made anything easier, just more simple.
Tomorrow I start work and class again. This'll be good for me, having somewhere to put my energies. Something to occupy myself. Like getting up and to work by 8:30. Now that's a fucking challenge.
I don't know what I expected I'd feel at this point, but this isn't it. I wish there was more definition to things. By all appearances, she's done with me, already moving on. And yet we're not exactly over...or she wouldn't say so on Friday, though I asked.
I've thought up a lot of clever things to write here in the past couple days, waiting for campus to reopen, but they escape me now. Perhaps if I'd written them down, I'd share them anyway. But it all seems pointless and hollow anyway.
The point is this: I'm thoroughly sick of disappointing people, mostly myself. Of owing debts to people, chiefly to myself. Of lying. Probably to myself.
The point is this: Our subjective realities are ridiculous. But they are also the cause of most of our pain.
And I do need you.
I wonder why neither of us could see that.
Fuck it, I'm going to go buy a charger, if I can afford one.
Update, 8:something.
Well, that fucking sucked. Now why in the hell would there by 10 types of cigarette-lighter chargers for people's cars, many for under $10, and one kind of regular charger, going for $20? Can the universe stop fucking with me for one minute (rhetorical question-I know the fucking answer)?
Nevermind.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
Stop thinking about disappointment, regret, and debts owed. That kind of stuff works itself out, in my opinion. It will only bring you down farther. The farther down you let yourself go, the farther it is to climb back out.
Hope to see you sometime soon.