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cipher

I come from the land of the ice and snow.

Member Since 2004

Followers 34 Following 168

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Friday Dec 17, 2004

Dec 16, 2004
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1. I am never always available, and I never will be. If 8 hours is the longest one doesn't hear from me, you're the lucky one. Most people suffer days, weeks.

2. This comes down to nature. Sometimes I just need to be unreachable.

3. This has nothing to do with mourning.

4. Right now, most everything else does. But I'm doing this my way, which is almost certainly not the right way, let alone the easy way.

5. On Tuesday night I was able to sleep less than six hours. On Wednesday, less than four. Last night, in spite of consuming half a bottle of whiskey, I slept just over an hour.

6. A lot of things are responsible for this. She's most of them.

7. I always know what I should do. The fact that I seldom do is...complicated. Painful.

8. On this, I can't be there for her.

9. I can't even be there for myself. Not right now.

10. No, I don't need anyone. For anything.

11. I hate this.

12. But it's true. That's me. The wolf.

13. In consequence, I hate being needed.

14. For one thing, that's entirely the wrong word. "Need." We need so little, really. Love is about wanting (wanting with every breath, every cell, thought, every ounce of your soul, yes, but it's not necessary).

15. It's that love is unnecessary that makes it so special.

16. The problem, in the end, isn't definition. It's that I'm not sure if I want her.

17. Relationships fail; why? Because the nature of a relationship is that of an attempt to forge two lives into one. This is exceedingly difficult. If it works, it's a miracle.

18. Even if it only works for a short while.

19. So the question is, does this work? Or even, am I fundamentally better with my life intertwined with hers.

20. Yes.*

21. But I can't stop wondering about it. Fearing it.

22. And yes, I forgot this morning to point out the most important thing, the thing that makes any of this worth asking: I love her, far fucking more than I'd ever believed I could love someone.

23. This is why I can't give up.


*This proves one thing and one thing only: if you're going to write an important journal entry on no sleep, you should check for errors.

*edited to note this has everything to do with the girlfriend*

*edited to correct one major oversight and one nasty error*
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
neodrunk:
teehee... good to see you and your new joint last night, bro!

thanks again. biggrin

tonguemiao!!
Dec 18, 2004
daekrys:
everytime we close our eyes and wish the pain away, we grow a little numb, and then the pain returns, and we numb ourselves again. but everytime we fight what we know in our hearts be the right thing to do, a bit of that numbness stays with us, and turns into a bitter acid within us. until we grow old, and the numbing doesn't work anymore, and we die unhappy shitting on our own stupidity.

i know i'm too fuckin retarded to do what i need to, but i'm at the bottom of the food chain.
if nothing else, have no fear

and steal lots of milk crates, they make awesome furniture.
Dec 19, 2004

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