I am in a less than joyous mood this evening.
Over the past few months a lot in my life has changed. Some for the better, yet much for the worse. Though, no matter how much is changed, I suppose I have to look at it from a view point as to what it taught me.
I think picking out lessons is the only way I manage to 'look on the bright side of life' or 'keep my chin up.'
I have lived much of my life very confused, and trying to hide or deny or I was just convinced I was a certain way. Perhaps I was a certain way, and I have just changed, or, perhaps I had these feelings down inside all along.
I never felt more like a girl than I have since Trevor came into my life. I never felt so fragile or so delicate either. I always wanted to believe I was much more hard than I am. Wanted to believe that I am stronger than what I am, and to be honest, I was slightly gender confused. I wanted to be more masculan.
I never wanted to be thought of as the 'damsel in distress.' Never wanted to wait around for my 'knight' or 'prince' to rescue me. I always wanted to be the heroine, and always believed I was strong enough to stand on my own.
In my life, I have only been able to be so exposed to 1 individual. To leave myself open to a man who said he wouldn't hurt me, and what do I get from it....he hurts me none the less.
I am not saying I want a 'knight' or a 'prince' or anyone to save me, but I would hope for, dream for, long for some kind of fairy tale romance or some kind of happy ending...Not with a hero, but with someone who is considerate of my feelings, is patient with me, for I am broken. Numerous people have chipped away at who I was supposed to be, and I will take time to mend for the right person.
Trevor used to be considerate of my feelings, and he was gentle because he knew I had been broken, but at some point he stopped caring, and that just withered away further at my untrusting heart.
In a way, I hate what I have become. I hate being so fragile and exposed, and yet there isn't anything I can do about it.
It would hurt less if he would just flat out tell me to leave his life, that he didn't want me in it anymore, than to continue to do to me what he is doing, which is acting like he still cares, but then being inconciderate of my feelings and pushing me out of his life.
I want to stop thinking about this. I want to be able to move on, but I can't. I have to ride the continuous waves of my emotions until he means little to me anymore. I hate who I am.....
And yes, I know he has access to my journal, but I am also aware he doesn't put my thought or care enough to actually read it. I actually wish he did care enough to do such....
~C~
Over the past few months a lot in my life has changed. Some for the better, yet much for the worse. Though, no matter how much is changed, I suppose I have to look at it from a view point as to what it taught me.
I think picking out lessons is the only way I manage to 'look on the bright side of life' or 'keep my chin up.'
I have lived much of my life very confused, and trying to hide or deny or I was just convinced I was a certain way. Perhaps I was a certain way, and I have just changed, or, perhaps I had these feelings down inside all along.
I never felt more like a girl than I have since Trevor came into my life. I never felt so fragile or so delicate either. I always wanted to believe I was much more hard than I am. Wanted to believe that I am stronger than what I am, and to be honest, I was slightly gender confused. I wanted to be more masculan.
I never wanted to be thought of as the 'damsel in distress.' Never wanted to wait around for my 'knight' or 'prince' to rescue me. I always wanted to be the heroine, and always believed I was strong enough to stand on my own.
In my life, I have only been able to be so exposed to 1 individual. To leave myself open to a man who said he wouldn't hurt me, and what do I get from it....he hurts me none the less.
I am not saying I want a 'knight' or a 'prince' or anyone to save me, but I would hope for, dream for, long for some kind of fairy tale romance or some kind of happy ending...Not with a hero, but with someone who is considerate of my feelings, is patient with me, for I am broken. Numerous people have chipped away at who I was supposed to be, and I will take time to mend for the right person.
Trevor used to be considerate of my feelings, and he was gentle because he knew I had been broken, but at some point he stopped caring, and that just withered away further at my untrusting heart.
In a way, I hate what I have become. I hate being so fragile and exposed, and yet there isn't anything I can do about it.
It would hurt less if he would just flat out tell me to leave his life, that he didn't want me in it anymore, than to continue to do to me what he is doing, which is acting like he still cares, but then being inconciderate of my feelings and pushing me out of his life.
I want to stop thinking about this. I want to be able to move on, but I can't. I have to ride the continuous waves of my emotions until he means little to me anymore. I hate who I am.....
And yes, I know he has access to my journal, but I am also aware he doesn't put my thought or care enough to actually read it. I actually wish he did care enough to do such....
~C~