Can't sleep...Awake...Filled with self-loathing and angish. Wanna take a sharp object to my wrist, in the thoughts that that pain wont hurt nearly as much as this feeling does.
I have resolved myself into believing that it isn't that Trevor is searching for something for himself. I am convinced it was something I was missing. I just wasn't good enough. I don't care if he says I was everything he could have dreamed of...That obviously isn't the case.
I am also doubting his love for me. I mean he doesn't want a relationship, but that just means he doesn't want a relationship with me. He wants to be free to date and fuck around with whomever he wants. He doesn't want to be in a committed faithful relationship with me...How can he say he loves me and is in love with me if he wants to fuck other women?!
I just wasn't good enough. He just couldn't see himself with me. I suck, am a horrible girlfriend, and I mean don't mean anything to anyone.
I just want the pounding in my head to errupt or cause an aneurism in my brain and just kill me already. I don't want to feel this way ever ever EVER again.
I hate my life...I must have done something pretty fucking horrible in a past life to recieve this much heartache...and from someone who claims loves me...Why would he want to hurt me so extremely bad?!
I hate him for hurting me. I hate him for making me feel this way...I hate him for making me fall in love with him in the first place, and I hate to think of him with someone else, even though I know that's what he is wanting. Normally, I would just want him to be happy, but right now, I hurt to god damn fucking much.
I said I would wait, though, at least for awhile. In hopes that he finds what it is he is searching for. I love him way too much not to. I could even consider being with someone else, because I am in love with him.
I think I fell in love with a sociopath. All this time I feared I was a sociopath, and I don't think that was the case...Trevor, however...I don't know...he might be....
Imma try to go back to sleep...
~C~
I have resolved myself into believing that it isn't that Trevor is searching for something for himself. I am convinced it was something I was missing. I just wasn't good enough. I don't care if he says I was everything he could have dreamed of...That obviously isn't the case.
I am also doubting his love for me. I mean he doesn't want a relationship, but that just means he doesn't want a relationship with me. He wants to be free to date and fuck around with whomever he wants. He doesn't want to be in a committed faithful relationship with me...How can he say he loves me and is in love with me if he wants to fuck other women?!
I just wasn't good enough. He just couldn't see himself with me. I suck, am a horrible girlfriend, and I mean don't mean anything to anyone.
I just want the pounding in my head to errupt or cause an aneurism in my brain and just kill me already. I don't want to feel this way ever ever EVER again.
I hate my life...I must have done something pretty fucking horrible in a past life to recieve this much heartache...and from someone who claims loves me...Why would he want to hurt me so extremely bad?!
I hate him for hurting me. I hate him for making me feel this way...I hate him for making me fall in love with him in the first place, and I hate to think of him with someone else, even though I know that's what he is wanting. Normally, I would just want him to be happy, but right now, I hurt to god damn fucking much.
I said I would wait, though, at least for awhile. In hopes that he finds what it is he is searching for. I love him way too much not to. I could even consider being with someone else, because I am in love with him.
I think I fell in love with a sociopath. All this time I feared I was a sociopath, and I don't think that was the case...Trevor, however...I don't know...he might be....
Imma try to go back to sleep...
~C~