So, 1 of the security guards I work with sorta asked me out. He asked if I was going anything tonight, anyway, I told him I was busy. More so I just don't want to date...I don't mean I just don't want to date him more as I don't want to date in general. I don't even have a desire to be with Trevor anymore, honestly...
I am back at the place I was when Trevor met me. A place where I didn't really want anyone or anything. I don't desire anything. I look at people and just see superficial shells of things. Everywhere I look, I see 'that's an attractive person,' or 'that is an unattractive person,' but it goes no farther than that. I don't get the butterflies, I don't get a feeling of, 'that's someone I would like to get to know.' I don't want to get to know anyone.
I look at my video games and think, blah...but it will give me something to do. I am not intrigued by anything, excited about anything. I just go through the motions of what I know people want to see of me, but there is no meaning behind it at all.
I will jump, skip, sing, smile, but only because that is what is expected...There is no real emotion there.
The first time I went through this...it took months for me to feel anything to be able to cry. Heh...Imagine me...going months without crying. A small feat for some, but if you know me that is astonding...
Right now, I feel that way again...That there is nothing that could push me either way or to make me cry...I can't. I will want to...Eventually I will get frustrated to the point I will try to make myself. I might even buy a bottle of wine in an attempt to force myself to cry, but I wont....
I will want attention, but it wont serve anymore of a purpose. If someone develops feelings for me I will walk away and push them out of my life.
I know these things, because this is what I was, what I did the first time. People, things, hobbies, work...all of it, have lost any meaning to me.
I think this is part of why I wanted to hold on to the feeling of what you gave me back. It's gone again, and I can't even cry over it...
I guess it doesn't matter, but it makes me feel so cold and lonely.
~C~
I am back at the place I was when Trevor met me. A place where I didn't really want anyone or anything. I don't desire anything. I look at people and just see superficial shells of things. Everywhere I look, I see 'that's an attractive person,' or 'that is an unattractive person,' but it goes no farther than that. I don't get the butterflies, I don't get a feeling of, 'that's someone I would like to get to know.' I don't want to get to know anyone.
I look at my video games and think, blah...but it will give me something to do. I am not intrigued by anything, excited about anything. I just go through the motions of what I know people want to see of me, but there is no meaning behind it at all.
I will jump, skip, sing, smile, but only because that is what is expected...There is no real emotion there.
The first time I went through this...it took months for me to feel anything to be able to cry. Heh...Imagine me...going months without crying. A small feat for some, but if you know me that is astonding...
Right now, I feel that way again...That there is nothing that could push me either way or to make me cry...I can't. I will want to...Eventually I will get frustrated to the point I will try to make myself. I might even buy a bottle of wine in an attempt to force myself to cry, but I wont....
I will want attention, but it wont serve anymore of a purpose. If someone develops feelings for me I will walk away and push them out of my life.
I know these things, because this is what I was, what I did the first time. People, things, hobbies, work...all of it, have lost any meaning to me.
I think this is part of why I wanted to hold on to the feeling of what you gave me back. It's gone again, and I can't even cry over it...
I guess it doesn't matter, but it makes me feel so cold and lonely.
~C~
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Anyways, all that is pointless if you aren't on meds but I was throwing it out there...