chrysea

What have I become?! Who am I anymore? I used to be so happy then, and somewhere I lost it. I lost who I enjoyed being.

This year to me has thrown me so hard and fast against a wall. My days are spent going from 1 extreme to another trying to make some kind of sense of it all. Why am I being put through such a trial this year. I have lost so so much and gained very very little.

All I want to do is be, again, the person I loved being. To be the happy go lucky individual I know I am capable of being once more.

I know i will eventually return to this state. I have to. I need to finish out this year and prepare for my future life. If I can't get out of this mess I ended up in then I am going to be carried under in it.

Not to mention no one likes this Chrissy, not even me, and it is because of me that I need to be the Chrissy that I want to be.

I want a playmate...I want to laugh and play and sing and jump. I want to make funny comments, and I want people to laugh at them. I want to be happy and enjoy everything again. Instead I keep coming back to everything that is wrong in my life. Everything that I fucked up, and it makes me cry.

And, as long as I hold on to all of this, I wont let people close to me. As long as I do this there wont be another best friend, and there will not be another boyfriend.

I want to have sex...well, maybe not just sex. I want to feel someone close to me. I want that closeness, that touch, that kiss that heat. I don't want meaningless sex, and I refuse to have meaningless sex again. I want something special...

Someone just shoot me or something, ugh....


~C~