The fact that all my students are off for two weeks, and the faculty is closed, and I have the whole photography studio to myself, should make me happy. peace and quiet. but I'm bored.

bored bored bored.

hmmm. i need to be shooting. I've still no inspiration since I lost my muse (I love you and miss you if you read this). any one fancy a free studio photoshoot? lol!

I spoke to the people about the flat i want today, and it's looking promising. I just need to reclaim my gear. looking after the cats next week, so it'll give me time to pack everything, and bin everything I don't need.

start again.

I lived in crete for 5 years, and I came home to roost to stop living like a gypsy, stop living out a bag. hell living out of a carrier bag at the mo! ha ha! I didn't come home to move house 3 tims in 18months, not including packing my Asda carrier bag to crash here for a few weeks. It better not be more than a few weeks I hope. just not comfortable here. i wanna go home.

hmmm... never mind.

I seem to be getting random txt messages with pics and videos of a girl doing rude things. i'm not complaining tho! I need some fun myself. I have needs too!!!

ha ha!

right. I'll leave it at that

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I spoke to my love tonight, on msn. it's never face to face anymore. She loves him more than she loves me, she told me. I think I knew that anyway, but to hear it really hurt. I bounced back, and tried to be flirty, but right now I have never felt so alone. April 28th 1999 I woke up in Crete, alone, with nobody I knew within a 2000mile radius, a bit lost and out my depth, trying to get myself better from a problem I had run away from at home, but the lonliness I felt then just doesn;t compare to how I feel now. It's a lot to bear. she tells me he's losing his family, his wife is gonna take him for everything he's got and he says he'd do it, for my love, she tells me he's away from his family, his friends, his kids, sleeping on a sofa. so I shouldn't feel so bad! but he's won the most precious prize I ever sought, he's not alone, he's using what was once my ticket to take my love to see Fall Out Boy tomorrow, and no doubt they'll sleep in my bed in her house after. that thought alone is enough to keep me from sleep tonight. she says the thought of me with someone else makes her insides twist up. I know, my love, for it's been like that for me for a long time now.

I'm scared and I'm alone. I don;t like it and I want it to stop. I've smoked 40 cigs today, it's killing me slowly is this.

I've been trying to move on, but I still reel from how quickly the rug was pulled from under my feet 3 weeks ago. i can't move on, I'm trying, but I love her with everything I have, she's got all of me, and I am nothing.

people have been telling me today to stop beating myself up, and to stop the self depreciation, but when you've lost everything, I'm at a loss for what else to do.

yeah, but you've got a good job they say, but what's the point if you can't share the glory and pride in a job you love with someone you love?

I've already been thru the drinking myself to nervous breakdown and aal that comes with it. I'm just empty, foolish. so very sad. so small, and so alone.