christmasjones

The line at the grocery store today. uncalled for 40 minutes of hate. It was a desperate scene of annoyance for me. I wanted to block out these people and their ridiculous stares and sighs and reminders of how much they hate their lives. So I succeeded. And then the noises of the registers clicking, and beeping. A cell phone goes off. A child screams. So much shuffling through papers and bags. The noises escalated like a sort of prelude scene in a quenten terintino movie. Finally I made it up front. I tried to put some comforting words onto the clerk.

"Busy day today huh?" was all I could muster.

He gave me the yeah-no-shit look.

Try something else "Fuckin sucks for you man, you are doing a good job."

"Thanks" and smiled. I think he meant it.

"Oh can you keep me under 100 bucks?"

Made him smile a bit more. Good. He's under a lot of pressure in front of impatient hungry people. Is there ever a worse place to be. Only you prevent their fat asses from grillin some mean things on the foreman back home, loading all of their fat asses and fat ass shopping bags into their fatass SUVS to drive on big fat highways pulling onto big fat parking spaces to a house with a big fat door, large foyer, and oversized couches. Big screen TV's, five hundred channels, in 3 different rooms.

I know about intimidation and what it takes to be a man. Vanity is null.

The man behind me in line speaking a broken hip/hop language from years of being in prison himself. You can tell he's in the midst of recovery. He's in the midst of redemption. The tough aggressive male has been withered to the defeated broken soul. A puppy dog that understands his strengths and has disciplined himself well enough to no longer harm others or himself. But his problem is self vs. self. He can never contribute worthwhile to society when his own issues take priority. Folks keepin to the themselves don't wanna hear other folk's problems.

I know about recovery, redemption, and relapse.

The woman that grabbed my shopping cart just as I entered the store. I had to walk away from it to gather some fruits and veggies and I turned around to see a woman placing her belongings into my cart. I kinda blurted out instinctively "this isn't your cart lady" . Skinny late 30s, dark hair, she apologized and pulled her handful of foodstuffs out of the cart. I looked around and saw no potential empty cart that could be hers. Crazy weirdo thought she could pull one off.

These are theives pickpockets vagrants. I understand that. A survival technique to reclaim space. BUt reclaiming space from ME? No I am borrowing this cart. It's a game we play at the store. First come first serve on shopping carts or you patiently wait for cart boy to bring another back. This WOMAN chose to be a predator and swoop in on my baby. FAIL.

A few moments later I saw her filling up her own cart. Or whomever's cart she had snagged it from.

I am constantly reminded to feel better about myself because of what I see, but also I am aware of a certain compassion inside of me that wants to help. That wants to reach out and hear new messages and give new lessons. I'm here to learn.

And that's the grocery store before the storm.