christfm

I woke up a little angry this morning.. Maybe it's because I only slept a couple hours.. maybe it's because I feel so shitty about the whole deal. It's hard for me to rest when I have things on my mind. But hey!! I got some rocking vinyl to get me through the rough times. It's nice to have Tool, NIN, The Faint, Fischerspooner, Dead Kennedys, Radiohead and all my music to get me through the rough shit. Sometimes some good tunes can be the best friends you have. It's kind of theraputic. People would just try to give me kind words and advice. I hate advice.. no one situation is the same. How can you tell someone something when you aren't them.. you can never know where someone is coming from. How they feel inside. Even when people try to explain shit to you it gets lost in the translation. You can only speak from your personal expercience.. and the advice you give is one sided and tainted. So I try to just move on today... Pretend like this didn't mean anything to me. I get to lie to myself. I think the worse part for me is looking into everyones eyes.. and pretending I'm not depressed.. I always find that's the hardest thing for me. There's something about someones eyes that makes me want to break down. I told my brother about the whole deal this morning [I could't even look at him] and I almost fell apart when he told me everything was gonna be o.k. He said.. "there are plenty of woman in portland." Like I don't know that. There are plenty of woman in the fucking world. I could have one today if I put forth the effort.. If I fucking cared. It's a rough world out there.. and such is life. Every fucking day is a struggle. And every woman is fucking insane. Yeah yeah.. You think I'm just saying that because I'm hurt. But we all know it's true.. We joke about it when we're at the bars.. we all have the horror storys.. The problem is finding one that is the least crazy. It's not like I'm perfectly sane either. But I'm honest.. and I have a big heart and good intentions. I'm super frustrated right now. I can't change my feelings or situation I'm in. That's why it's so hard for me to have a "girlfriend" or date people. I just expect the worse.. and it creeps up on me. It always ends up being this giant cliche. How is it that some people love each other so much?? How can that be?? Are they lying to each other? Is love just this enormous ellaborate lie? I don't know.. I just don't know about dating or girls or love or life.. sometimes I think I suck at living.. and it's not just the dating thing. My job.. My financial situation.. My lack friends in this town... decisions I make..
...blah blah blah.. I still don't know how I feel about this completely.. I'd much rather be pissed off, but she really didn't do anything wrong. She was sweet.. and nice.. and beautiful.. and I have nothing to be mad at.. not even myself.
So fuck it! Fuck you!! Fuck woman!! I'm done.. I'm done putting my heart out there for people to break. I'm shutting myself off.. you can't have me.. You had your chance. Now it's done. I guess it's just that simple.

So watch the way I walk.

-cheers-