I Never Asked Anybody

There was a time when I never asked anybody for anything
I was trying to be self-sufficient -- ala Ayn Rand
But I wasn't above stealing
You see, I was homeless
Living in the attic of an abandoned house in west L.A.
Winos would come in at night below me
And drink and carry on but they never went up to the attic

I remember listening to Dodgers baseball games on a
transistor radio I had stolen out of an unlocked car
I survived on fantasies and dreams of how great I was
going to be someday

In the daytime I hung out at a park and played basketball
and went to the movies
Even though my stomach needed feeding more than my
mind or heart - well, my mind and heart were hungry, too

I would go around at night with a bag
And break into unlocked cars and steal loose money,
transistor radios and cameras

I would take my dimes and go to coffee shops
And buy cups of coffee and doughnuts for a dime each

I would also do hard, physical day labor
And make enough money to rent a room
For a little while and buy a big bag of groceries
And I would be in Heaven

That was when I bought a copy of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged
And became absorbed into trying to be one of her
self-sufficient never asking for help heroes
But people need help
And people need each other
If we would just love ourselves and each other more
And not get our rocks off hurting each other

Anyway, once, I was in the lower level parking garage
of this high rise apartment building, stealing out of cars
When a resident noticed me and came out and held a rifle on me
Till the police came

I got five days out of that, that was all
But it wasn't as simple as that
I was going down the line in the jail
Picking out all the clothing and things I needed

When a couple of cops -
For no reason at all -
Took me out of the line
And took me into a padded cell
And took turns beating me in the face
Mainly my nose
I think they were trying to break my nose
I think they succeeded

They brought me out of the padded cell
And said to someone that I fell down a ladder
And that I needed to be protected from myself
So, I should be put in a private cell
That was alright with me

I got out of jail and was in jail a few more times in L.A.
For nothing much - really
Drunkenness - even jaywalking
There was this time I was in jail in a place
For people who weren't dangerous
It was minimum security
It had nice regular cots
And television and good food
Noone ever bothered me there
It was Thanksgiving time and I just
Loved being able to eat good food and watch t.v.

But the time came when I had to leave
And I didn't want to
And there were other inmates who didn't want to leave

And anyway I wound up here, in this area, about 40 years ago
And now I'm ok materially
But I have to watch it or I'll go broke
But I'm lonely
Terribly; terribly lonely

So Lonely
That I'm not sure if I'll ever find someone to love me
And fill my empty gut with honey Love
I'm still Lonely,
So Lonely

There was a time when I never asked anybody for anything

Note: This is a very recent poem. It's not in my book or on my CD. But I've
read it at The Phoenix Coffee House and a couple nightclubs and it has
gone over well. I hope you like it!

Copright Christopher Steele Brower