chriskaasi

Im an alien my death will be insignificant and lost. It all occurred to me while walking this dull path down South Beach in the middle of the night wandering through an endless sea of would-be Rico Suaves and pop-whores, each more empty than the next. I reached out for Shellys hand, only to have her pull it away Is that bad?
Yes.
And now the entire citys sick sex six, impressing itself, but nobodys listening Im hit by an overwhelming wave of emotions that rot me from the inside of my chest out til I cant breathe anymore cant stand cant sit cant eat cant drink cant sleep cant be cant not be its all no good everywhere is hell and its impossible to climb out of my own skin, but all I want is to disintegrate all I want is release from this fucking restless pain that follows me wherever I go, whatever I do, whenever I do it theres nothing no way out no way around no nothing just sickness just this restless fucking sickness that must be god cause Ive never seen anything this all-pervading ever in my entire life. I fall back in the crowd back behind Sara back behind Nikki back behind David, but no one notices that Im a stranger haunting pristine sidewalks, soft-lit by neon. I see waiters standing by signs, but they look right through me right past me and I know that I dont exist.

We find the movie theater and buy tickets, though Im completely unfocused lost in the crazy hot-night noise of a million people standing together, talking on cell-phones to a million other people who arent listening cause theyre standing with a million other people who are also on cell phones talking to a million other people who arent listening as the whole system quantum leaps to its own death in some not-so-distant future. Theres short skirt after short skirt, but Im pretty sure those girls are only sixteen and Im too depressed to care about anything anyway as we walk up two flights of stairs to our theater. The snack bars are crowded. The bathrooms are crowded. The crowd is crowded as we make our way into a crowded theater to watch a movie thatll have personal significance for me, which of course means Shelly will hate it shell be the only one everyone else will love it shell even laugh often during the movie, only to cop a bad attitude the second we walk out onto the street. We retrace the same glum-walk steps of our trip here. I stop and give money to bums which secretly annoys the self-absorbed business crowd. I mean, they should just get a job and stop expecting hand-outs from society. We walk past alley ways and typical late night Miami street scenes under a full moon that no one seems to care about (except me who talks to it like a lunatic.) Back in the parking garage I see two heterosexual twenty-something dudes pushing a baby in a carriage I joke that its the ultimate chick-magnet, but no one listens. We make the drive down the freeway overlooking downtown while I imagine a million past-sex scenes with Shelly and that other fucking kid from law school til it makes me feel that sick heat in my chest. We drop off Nikki. At home, Sara, David, Shelly and I make our way to our respective bedrooms where Shelly pulls away from me even more. We talk about our lives, her abusive family, her inability to love or even be kind to those who love her. We flirt with breaking up which only makes me sicker still. I cry til six in the morning, praying non-stop for my own death which teases me, but never comes. Its so hot in November.