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chris_pepper

Winston-Salem

Member Since 2006

Followers 2 Following 16

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Saturday May 13, 2006

May 13, 2006
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I've been in a weird mood lately and I don't know what to make of it.

See, I'm not much of a people person. To know me is to pick up on that fact in short order. It no doubt started back in grade school when I was the favorite target of peer scorn and ridicule.

Somehow I never rose above that. I eventually shut people out just for safety. And somewhere along the line I lost my knack for making friends. I lost my trust for human beings in general. And I never managed to get any of those things back again.

Today I'm about five months away from turning 35. I've known only a handful of personal relationships, and I realized recently that the few I have known have always hurt me in one way or another. And of course I have never experienced a romantic or intimate relationship. I've never even approached a woman, and I've always thought that it was because I was too much of a coward, but now I suspect that maybe on some level I just never thought it was worth it. And as I get older it just gets worse; I have neither the time nor the energy to play the dating game at level 1.

I've lost my passion. I'm an empty shell of a human being. I've got no stomach for risk or adventure any more. And I haven't created a single piece of artwork in over a year. The creative well has run dry.

A week or so ago, for reasons I won't go into here, I had to make a phonecall to someone I barely knew, and it terrified me. And I made a complete ass of myself, and when it was over, I felt not exhilarated, as if I'd faced and conquered a demon, but traumatized, wishing someone else could have done it. It's obvious I've reached some kind of an impasse in my own growth as a person.

Basically I have no idea what to do with myself. Eat, sleep, jerk off, watch movies, and screw around on the net, that's all my body wants to do any more. And though I'm hardly suicidal, sometimes I feel like the best thing I could possibly do for society and humanity would be to stop inflicting myself upon it. There just doesn't seem to be any point in reaching out to people any more.

I'm going to give it a week or two, but I'll probably be deleting my SG account soon. I'm not sure exactly what I was hoping to get out of it, but it hasn't been happening. Obviously I'm no better at making friends online than I am in real life. At the very least, I lack the energy to maintain friendships. I haven't posted anything in over a month because I just haven't felt like talking to anyone.

At least there aren't too many people here who'll miss me.
lanolin:
awww. don't go.


yeah. you sound like me. anti-social.

its hard to maintain relationships with people. but you have to try. among all the people who are an absolute waste of time, you will find a few genuine people who really care about you. in the end, its all worth it.


i hope you feel better soon. smile
May 14, 2006

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