chicoboprincess

Sometimes in the morning I'm petrified and can't move/ awake but cannot open my eyes/ and the weight is crushing down on my lungs/ I know I can't breathe/ hope someone will help me this time/ your mother's still calling you/ insane and high swearing it's different this time/ and you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her that god never blessed her insides/ then you'll hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things/ and crawl back into bed to dream of a time/ when your heart was open wide and you loved things just because/ like the sick and the dying/ and sometimes when you're on you're really fucking on/ and your friends they sing along and they love you/ but the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap/ and it teases you for weeks in its absence/ but you'll fight and you'll make it through/ you'll fake it is you have to/ and you'll show up for work with a smile/ and you'll be better you'll be smarter/ more grown up and a better daughter/ or son and the real good friend/ and you'll be awake you'll be alert/ you'll be positive though it hurts/ and you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends/ and you'll be a real good listener/ you'll be honest/ you'll be brave/ you'll be handsome/ and you'll be/ beautiful/ you'll be happy your ship may be coming in/ you're weak but not giving in/ to the cries and the wails of the valley below/ your ship may be coming in/ you're weak but not giving in/ and you'll fight it/ you'll go out fighting all of them...........

what then now.
I feel like I'm losing it.
I'm working too much+ sleeping too little= dillusional state
emotionally not there or something.
Everyday it feels like I'm just going through the motions.
Not routine but just working because I have to, and liking it yes, but somewhat unfulfilled at the end of the day.
Uncertainty.
emotions and words are useless because I don't know how to feel, what i used to feel, how I used to be.
And I keep wondering if I was always this shallow, have I always needed to date so many people?
Did I always feel so used?
Did I always know that no one could really be with me that I was just their to kill time?
I'm sick of killing other peoples time for them to go off and be so fucking happy.
I want to be happy and I'm not killing any time.
Everything aside from school seems so pointless that I dunno why I even continue to do it.
I know I work to make money so I can pay rent
I go to school so that I will not have to work as hard to pay rent
I go on dates with people that shouldn't give me their time because it's a waste of mine.
I'm sick of being a substitute for the girlfriend that broke your heart.