chichicat

I lied about not journaling again until something good happens. Because today was probably the most awful day I've had since my mother's funeral. But, in a way, something "good" did happen. I decided that I need to start thinking about what's best for me and not for everyone else. And more importantly, I need to think about my needs and not how everyone will see me, or what they will think of my decisions.
So:
I think I'm taking incompletes this semester and going home. After having a long talk with one of my roommates and discussing how utterly miserable I am, and how I really wish I could just play in traffic, I realized that the only thing that seemed even remotely soothing to me was being home with my grandma and my cat. That's all I want right now--grandma and kitty. And I think my grandma's really struggling all by herself too, I think she needs me. And it's like, no one can say I didn't try. I came back to school, I made an effort, and I was still barely getting by.

Then I suffered another loss. One that upset me more than I'd like to admit.

I used to gauge my level of functioning by the fact that I was going to work and making money. As long as I was making it to work, I was okay.

Today I called out and they wouldn't let me. I went in and left after three hours to come home and cry. I'm obviously not functioning anymore.

This isn't just about the breakup. Breakups happen. And I'm not taking the easy way out. I really truly believe I need this. At one time in my life, I used to love school. I used to love classes, and learning, and even homework. Moreover, I used to be really good at it. I used to be smart. Now, I'm pulling C's?! I can't concentrate, even if my life depended on it. I think maybe if I take a break and come back in the fall my head will be clearer and I can resume liking school and getting good grades again.

Well at any rate, this is something I'm very seriously considering. Opinions are welcome. I'm pretty sure the ball will be rolling starting tomorrow morning though, when I call my grandma to discuss it with her.

Regardless of what any of my friends/"friends" may have to say, I know my family will stick by me, no matter what I choose to do. That's all that matters.

Sorry so long. Necessary though. First time I've had hope about anything in a long time.

Nite