Happy Valentines Day to all!
I came home from work right now to my bed covered in rose petels, a boquet of roses, and a single rose with underwear in them. FUCKING ROCK. Dinner warm and waiting: Steak, Chicken, Fettuchini Alfrado, Corn and Mashedpotaoes. 2 bottles of wine (almost gone already) and a bottle of Kaluha. Oh yeah, and this small man in a package. You put him in water and he grows 600% his size! HA!
Damn....people coming up in the house. Door open, people come in. Hello people.
On another note. Today is my fathers birthday. He would have been 54 today. Last night I was thinking about him. And I smelled him. It was freaky and I smiled the biggest smile I had in a long time. Smelled like garage/Brut/Cigarettes. I know it sounds like a funky smell, but this is one reason why I love the smell of exhaust. LOVE it. Car garage. Takes me back....
Im avoiding the calls from my mom. I cant take her crying about today. 13 years later. Still hurts her as bad as the day we were told what happened. Ive....moved on in a way. I had to. There were too many things to deal with at that moment that that was the only choice. Move on. Deal with it.
Ive been meaning to look up his friend. His friend who was there that day. That minute, up until the second he was prenounced dead and he watched him slip away. Hopefully with out pain. I dont know. It took him 2 weeks to come to us, crying asking for forgivness. Thinking it was his fault that it happened.
I hadent seen my dad in over 2 weeks. He was supposed to meet me for Halloween and finally take me around San Pedro trick or treating. He never showed up. Then on November 11th, 1992 at 8pm....2 of his friends stoped by, crying hysterically. We were told to go into our room. A few minutes later, my mom came in, tears filled her eyes, and told us point blank. "You father killed himself....oh god!"
He was out at one of our hangouts, Point Ferman park at Walkers Cafe with 2 of his dearest friends. One, Dale, had to use the bathroom and told his other friend Donnie to watch him. Donnie went to get another beer, and my dad took off. Got into his car, drove up the curb and smashed into a tree. He had gotten into a motercycle accident a month before so his fast passed walk over to the edge was wobbled. Donnie chased after him as my dad steped over the wall, paused for a seconds and jumped.
As im told, Donnie climped down there ro be with him till Parametics got there. He was pronounced dead at 6:06pm.
I like to think that he died on impact. Or at least severed pain nerves to his brain. Donnie said he looked peaceful. I am grateful for that. Grateful for him telling us that even if it was otherwise.
I still have so many questions. As would anyone. I have blocked out more than half my childhood, so most of his memory is in pieces. But its enough that I hold on to it tightly.
My thoughts on it now, are that it was a very very couragous thing to do.
In 1984 my mother has a sezior....it was determed that she had a brain toumor. Slowest growing cancer. They removed a portion of her brain. Memory/Balance. Since that day she has never been the same. All the medications etc....she changed so dramitcally that she was no longer the woman he had once married. If he had chose to divorse her, he would break her heart, as none of this was her fault. It would break up our family more than anything. He knew we would be taken care of, as we were by our Grandparents, as he couldnt. As much as he tried, he kept failing is his mind to give us what he thought we deserved.
In his mind, doing what he did, may have been horrible, but nothing as bad as what he thought could happen otherwise. For that, I praise him for his courage. And his love. he did not leave us is spite, but as a father trying to do what he thought was best for his wife and children.
May sound like a crock of shit to some, but it works for me. And im carried on with my life knowing this is my heart, that its the truth.
So Happy Birthday Daddy. I love you.
I came home from work right now to my bed covered in rose petels, a boquet of roses, and a single rose with underwear in them. FUCKING ROCK. Dinner warm and waiting: Steak, Chicken, Fettuchini Alfrado, Corn and Mashedpotaoes. 2 bottles of wine (almost gone already) and a bottle of Kaluha. Oh yeah, and this small man in a package. You put him in water and he grows 600% his size! HA!
Damn....people coming up in the house. Door open, people come in. Hello people.
On another note. Today is my fathers birthday. He would have been 54 today. Last night I was thinking about him. And I smelled him. It was freaky and I smiled the biggest smile I had in a long time. Smelled like garage/Brut/Cigarettes. I know it sounds like a funky smell, but this is one reason why I love the smell of exhaust. LOVE it. Car garage. Takes me back....
Im avoiding the calls from my mom. I cant take her crying about today. 13 years later. Still hurts her as bad as the day we were told what happened. Ive....moved on in a way. I had to. There were too many things to deal with at that moment that that was the only choice. Move on. Deal with it.
Ive been meaning to look up his friend. His friend who was there that day. That minute, up until the second he was prenounced dead and he watched him slip away. Hopefully with out pain. I dont know. It took him 2 weeks to come to us, crying asking for forgivness. Thinking it was his fault that it happened.
I hadent seen my dad in over 2 weeks. He was supposed to meet me for Halloween and finally take me around San Pedro trick or treating. He never showed up. Then on November 11th, 1992 at 8pm....2 of his friends stoped by, crying hysterically. We were told to go into our room. A few minutes later, my mom came in, tears filled her eyes, and told us point blank. "You father killed himself....oh god!"
He was out at one of our hangouts, Point Ferman park at Walkers Cafe with 2 of his dearest friends. One, Dale, had to use the bathroom and told his other friend Donnie to watch him. Donnie went to get another beer, and my dad took off. Got into his car, drove up the curb and smashed into a tree. He had gotten into a motercycle accident a month before so his fast passed walk over to the edge was wobbled. Donnie chased after him as my dad steped over the wall, paused for a seconds and jumped.
As im told, Donnie climped down there ro be with him till Parametics got there. He was pronounced dead at 6:06pm.
I like to think that he died on impact. Or at least severed pain nerves to his brain. Donnie said he looked peaceful. I am grateful for that. Grateful for him telling us that even if it was otherwise.
I still have so many questions. As would anyone. I have blocked out more than half my childhood, so most of his memory is in pieces. But its enough that I hold on to it tightly.
My thoughts on it now, are that it was a very very couragous thing to do.
In 1984 my mother has a sezior....it was determed that she had a brain toumor. Slowest growing cancer. They removed a portion of her brain. Memory/Balance. Since that day she has never been the same. All the medications etc....she changed so dramitcally that she was no longer the woman he had once married. If he had chose to divorse her, he would break her heart, as none of this was her fault. It would break up our family more than anything. He knew we would be taken care of, as we were by our Grandparents, as he couldnt. As much as he tried, he kept failing is his mind to give us what he thought we deserved.
In his mind, doing what he did, may have been horrible, but nothing as bad as what he thought could happen otherwise. For that, I praise him for his courage. And his love. he did not leave us is spite, but as a father trying to do what he thought was best for his wife and children.
May sound like a crock of shit to some, but it works for me. And im carried on with my life knowing this is my heart, that its the truth.
So Happy Birthday Daddy. I love you.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
;30 am and called the ambullance and police.i got the call by my mom at 1 am. he had a lot of intercranial swelling. he was in the hospital for about a month and had to learn to do everything all over again after that. he was never the same person again (accept now he is a mean alcoholic where before he was quiet). he just changed over night. the man i nce knew was no longer there. you are in my thoughts always, what a wonderful daughter you have turned out to be. they just don't come much nicer than you. i believe you smelled him too, i've experienced that with other family that has passed on, it's nice to know he comes around to check on you and still loves you dearly. i know he has to be proud of you, how could he not be!
xxoo box