I've been a bit nostalgic with my choice of music recently; Sunna, Lucinda Williams and Jeff Buckley. I've also been doing some looking back and a dose of over thinking. Everything in moderation though. I don't want to be living in the past bit I need to try and learn from my mistakes.
So have I realised anything insightful? Kind of.
I've never really been able to shed the feeling of being a gawky child, and I doubt I ever will, which has led me to be quite insecure. It shows from time to time but when everything's going ok you probably wouldn't realise as I have quite a chatty, bubbly nature-which can verge on the annoying at times I admit! The problem comes when there are disagreements and arguments about important stuff. I've never really felt confident enough to say what I think/feel, especially in a relationship. I've always been to scared of losing the person I'm seeing because I've already been waiting for them to wise-up and realise that I'm not worth being with.
This was particularly a problem with my ex. It's taken me a long while to untangle how I've felt about what happened between us. There were several times I kept silent so as not to rock the boat especially after he broke up with me twice. I told myself I just needed to show that a LDR could work but actually I felt that it was my worthiness that I needed to prove. The drunken admission that he only went out with me again because I was nice and was there haunted me. Whenever we had a problem that's what came to mind. I eventually became resentful of the way I'd been made to feel (yes I was guilty of only seeing things my side at that time) that I couldn't put the past behind me and things came undone.
So I can recognise that I let myself down in a lot of ways and so I've been working on being happy with myself a lot more. It's something I've always said is important but I'd never fully realised the consequences of not being comfortable in my own skin. Oh, and in case it was sounding like I'd had a completely disastrous relationship, it wasn't. I had some amazing times, and I miss sharing so many interests with someone I love. I miss being in love full stop! Being in lust just isn't the same
I'll leave the analysis of the concept of love for another time. Yes I do daydream a LOT in the bookshop!
But, have I actually learnt anything? I seem to have found myself in a somewhat similar situation
And if you've managed to get to the end of all that, congrats! I'll take this opportunity to alert anyone in the vicinity of London to a protest to 'Protect the Children of Darfur' outside the Sudanese Embassy on Sunday 13th April at 12.30. For more info visit www.globefordarfur.org. I'm rather annoyed at not being able to attend myself, couldn't get out of working
So have I realised anything insightful? Kind of.
I've never really been able to shed the feeling of being a gawky child, and I doubt I ever will, which has led me to be quite insecure. It shows from time to time but when everything's going ok you probably wouldn't realise as I have quite a chatty, bubbly nature-which can verge on the annoying at times I admit! The problem comes when there are disagreements and arguments about important stuff. I've never really felt confident enough to say what I think/feel, especially in a relationship. I've always been to scared of losing the person I'm seeing because I've already been waiting for them to wise-up and realise that I'm not worth being with.
This was particularly a problem with my ex. It's taken me a long while to untangle how I've felt about what happened between us. There were several times I kept silent so as not to rock the boat especially after he broke up with me twice. I told myself I just needed to show that a LDR could work but actually I felt that it was my worthiness that I needed to prove. The drunken admission that he only went out with me again because I was nice and was there haunted me. Whenever we had a problem that's what came to mind. I eventually became resentful of the way I'd been made to feel (yes I was guilty of only seeing things my side at that time) that I couldn't put the past behind me and things came undone.
So I can recognise that I let myself down in a lot of ways and so I've been working on being happy with myself a lot more. It's something I've always said is important but I'd never fully realised the consequences of not being comfortable in my own skin. Oh, and in case it was sounding like I'd had a completely disastrous relationship, it wasn't. I had some amazing times, and I miss sharing so many interests with someone I love. I miss being in love full stop! Being in lust just isn't the same
I'll leave the analysis of the concept of love for another time. Yes I do daydream a LOT in the bookshop!
But, have I actually learnt anything? I seem to have found myself in a somewhat similar situation
And if you've managed to get to the end of all that, congrats! I'll take this opportunity to alert anyone in the vicinity of London to a protest to 'Protect the Children of Darfur' outside the Sudanese Embassy on Sunday 13th April at 12.30. For more info visit www.globefordarfur.org. I'm rather annoyed at not being able to attend myself, couldn't get out of working
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Feet are pants, mine are getting even more calloused these days thanks to a shit pair of shoes that have cracked leather in them.
Need to buy some new ones this weekend.