chesca

I went and stood outside this afternoon with my tongue stuck out trying to eat the falling snow. It's taking pleasure in the small things that seem to make all the difference to how I feel. I have to admit I do consider life to be a struggle, I don't imagine there will be an event of great happiness in the future. I'm not hugely optimistic of any great improvement of my lot in general and there are times when that thought is deeply scary, so I try not to think about it. This is all sounding a bit doom and gloom again but I don't mean it to be. These are the unhappy aspects that I accept occur.

When I pay attention to the world around me I do try to think positive and acknowledge the significance of the small things, because if I can't appreciate those how can I be open to greater things? Yes I do still have some shred of hope. I guess I believe the same goes for love although I have a hard time putting that one into practice. I am a complete fool when it comes to matters of the heart. I put barriers up when I have a chance to be happy because I'm too insecure to think someone could like me. Then I will persistently pursue those that pay me the minimal attention all because I think I'm in love. Both situations leave me burnt. In the past I've got what I wanted in the end but of course I could never really be happy knowing they didn't really want me. Not the way I'd wanted them. I do try to learn from my mistakes though!

So yea, I've had a fairly quiet weekend with time for some reflection!

There was some drinking had at the local pub with some old friends that were back for the weekend. Although it was good to see them it's getting increasingly difficult to talk to some of them which, although I find unsurprisingly, is kind of sad.

I watched a few movies, some I'd seen before some I hadn't: The Mission, Pirates of the Carribbean, Days of Being Wild, Mysterious Skin, Hidalgo, They're a Weird Mob.

I seem to be finding less time for reading which is something I need to address. It's been a while since I picked up The Collector and with a perpetually growing list of books I want to read I really should get a move on!

I finally found my Arabian costume from an old ballet show which I was hoping I'd be able to fit into for a fancy dress party. Unfortunately it didn't quite happen! So I'm either going to have to make new trousers or come up with another idea. Theme is supposed to be loosely fairy tale/nursery rhymes sort of thing so if anyone has any suggestions that would be fairly cheap and easy to do

And finally, I sorted through all my photos which were in a complete mess. So I thought I'd have a narcissistic moment, enjoy.

Dressing up in my mum's hat and scarf.


I was so upset when my rocking-donkey was taken to a jumble sale.




I am unashamedly a daddy's girl, but my dad is awesome so


With my blue & brown braids that my granddad took quite a while to notice!