Ah, to be alone. Just for 3 min, or 3 days. Scarey? Liberating? Good, bad, both? I don't know, I've never had it. Never took it. Would I get over my fear of the dark? Would I have a melt down? WOuld I be exactly the same as I am now? SO many questions unansweared. MAybe that's why I can't find myself. Why I'm being haunted by so many things. I've run from so many things, and have filled my life overfull for so many years, that I don't have to think about what is wrong. I pretend that I'm okay.
I make disposable friends. I figured this out the other day. When I'm at my breaking point, I make new "friends". Ones that don't know me. I try to become someone a bit different. It consumes me, and I'm okay for awhile. But my REAL friends, the ones I actually have a deep care for, I shut out. I can't let them see I'm human. That I'm fucked. That I really DO suck as a person. Because once I'm all bottled up again, and I have myself well conceled again, they might actually still be around and know part of the real me. That is TOO much for ANYONE to know. Even them.
I think I want to bring my life crashing down around me. Ruin everything I'm overfilled my life with. Just to see what will happen. Who will stick around. See if I'll survive.
But first, maybe I should just try having 3 min. alone. See if I can survive that.
I make disposable friends. I figured this out the other day. When I'm at my breaking point, I make new "friends". Ones that don't know me. I try to become someone a bit different. It consumes me, and I'm okay for awhile. But my REAL friends, the ones I actually have a deep care for, I shut out. I can't let them see I'm human. That I'm fucked. That I really DO suck as a person. Because once I'm all bottled up again, and I have myself well conceled again, they might actually still be around and know part of the real me. That is TOO much for ANYONE to know. Even them.
I think I want to bring my life crashing down around me. Ruin everything I'm overfilled my life with. Just to see what will happen. Who will stick around. See if I'll survive.
But first, maybe I should just try having 3 min. alone. See if I can survive that.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
ayla:
'ello dearie.
tryphyna:
the hardest thing of all for us, these days in this society, is to go one whole day of doing nothing and not even think about having not accomplished any "thing." after a whole day, you have thought through just about every single thing that has been crossing your mind. you have come to conclusions, made decisions. imagine a whole week! i did that once - though in the comfort of a warm home in the mountains of colorado.