cherrycyanide

I stress myself out too much...

I hate that about myself.

I donno how to make myself stop though and it sucks.

I'm worried that it's been so long I don't know how to be a good girlfriend anymore.

I'm worried that I'm thinking about the whole thing too much.

i'm scared I'm just rebound.

I'm scared that I feel to omuch too fast for him.

I'm scared that I'm being too pushy, and different then normal.

I'm scared that I expect more then I should.

I'm scared that I'm being too open, that I should keep a few more things to myself.

I'm scared that I'm trying to spend too much time with him.

I'm scared I'm pushing too hard for him to move in. It's not because he's my boyfriend that I want him to move in. It's because I need a roomate, and we had plans to move in togather before we started dating that I want him to move in with me.

I'm scared that in a few weeks he's going to change his mind and go back to Amber...and I'd die if that happened.

I'd be alone again all too quickly and I donno if I could handle that.

I really am smitten with him and I don't know that I could be without him in m life in some way... but it'd be really hard to see him with someone else now... I mean I know when I met him and most of our knowing one another he was with someone else. But I was jealous of both of them the whole time. That he had her most of the time. But then she started changing and loosing herself and I got jealous that she had him... And I was jealous because I thought... there has to be something very wrong with me... if a girl like that, that gone can hold onto such a great guy.. And I can't even find someone to give me time of day unless it involves him getting into my pants imidiately, and then never having to speak to me again...

I can't go back to that. It hurts so bad to only be worth sex to someone, to be only worth sex to multiple someones.

I want someone to care about me...someone to worry if I'm gone. Someone who is going to be there for me when my mother makes me cry. He doesn't have to talk to me about how much of a fucking cunt she is.. Just sit there and hold my hand while I cry or rant..or whatever.

Sprout makes me smile, you know how hard it is to make me genuinely smile? Do you know how long it's been since I was as happy as I have been the last week? It's been so long I don't know what to do with myself. He makes me blush, not because I'm emberassed about myself, but because he makes me that happy and it shows all over my face when I'm around him. He makes me want to kiss him every time I see him. And when I kiss him, I never want to let him go. When I have to leave him.. it tugs deep in my chest. I get over it of course but he's always in the back of my mind.

And now I feel like an obsessed psycho. But you know what one good thing is? I tihnk it got me over Dre. I haven't thought about him like...at all lately. My attitude towards him has changed...and the way I feel around him has too. It's strange he still makes me feel good about myself. But it's not something that draws me towards him anymore. It more or less just makes me contented.

You know what else? I feel really ugly lately, when I look in the mirror I feel like I'm not attractive. But I know I'm getting thinner, clothes fit better, look better. But I feel ugly. Except when sprouts looking aat me. That's another reason I blush, he stares sometimes, with the sweetest grin on his face till I can't help but blsh and smile back. But he makes me feel pretty. He makes me feel like I'm the prettiest girl alive. I love that.

Anyways... I think that's enough. I should go to bed. I should drive home and go to bed in my own place. But I don't want to drive that far, only toget up at the butt crack of dawn and come over here to take a goddamn test at summit. When I donno if it's what I anna do anymore. God i'm so broke though. But yeah. Anyways. I'm done.