Why can't anyone see me the way I really am? I don't hide anymore. I don't play at being someone I'm not. I don't act reserved or shy.
I am open, giving, and honest with everyone as the best of my ability now. And still no one sees me for who I really am.
They don't ever care like I do. And it's taring me appart. Making my head hurt. MAking me cry.
The way people treat me and reguard me. With the exception of a few. Is always under appriciative. Even my own boyfriend can't show me that he'll protect me physically or emotionally. All because he thought he was being nice. What he didn't realize is he was letting some insignificant bitch sabotage his relationship. Some worthless flirt who isn't even cute or funny or even INTERESTING in the least.You let her show me that I can't count on you to stand at my defence even if I am sitting right there watching them disrespect me. How could you let someone so unimportant ruine something you claim is the most important thing in this world to you (Barring your child of course.)? How could you not see that it didnt stop hurting. I never told you it was ok. I told you I forgive you. That you don't need to apologize. If I couldn't forgive you I wouldn't have stayed with you I'd have left you long ago. But I love you. So hugely and overwhelmingly. But I can't even say -completely- anymore. Because I can't feel it. If I loved you completely I'd be convinced we're going to make it forever like we both wanted. If I loved you completely I'd still have FAITH that you were going to grow up, change, and STOP disapointing me every time I try to invest a little faith and trust in you. But I can't love you completely because I don't -have- that faith anymore. Because that hurt me so much I can't feel safe and secure, and like you'll never do it again. I Believe you mean it when you say it... But you forget to do or not do so many other things...how can I blieve that you won't forget to tell the next bitch to get out your grill? (Really you were part of the problem.) Or that next time you won't smile at her the way I used to see you only smile at me? You don't even look at me like that anymore. MAybe because I'm a bitch. But I'm a bitch because it wont stop hurting. And every argument and every time you yell. Every time you threw something, slammed a door, or yelled at me. Made the wound run deeper.
It hurt so bad lastnight I couldn't bare to let you touch me. I felt like I was dying every time. Every hug. Every tear that fell from my eyes was a piece of me. And I'm running out of tears.
I don't know how to fix this one. I really wish I knew how. But I don't. I have tried to not care that you were so not-understanding about the whole thing. I try to ignore the fact that you still cannot grasp why it hurt me so bad. To be honest I don't know why it did so much irreparible damage. THe face is, it did. It also fed me up. IF we can't stop arguing we have to be done. Because I'm bleeding inside and I am almost dead. I can't do this anymore. I try so hard. I try so so so so hard to make it not bother me, to not argue with you, to not be misrible. To not feel like you can't care about me enough. MAybe I shouldn't. In this almost two years you've never shown me that you care as -much- as I did. Or that you were willing to WORK as hard as I did for US... I kept US from being homeless more then once... I supported you even though many people told me I was wasting my time on an opertunist who would simply move on to the next cow when this ones all dried up. I babied you when you cried. I clean up after you (not as well as I -could-) I cook for you. I give you things, I give you gifts. I THINK of you all the time. I am CONSIDERATE of your feelings in EVERYTHING I do. And even before this whole whore-bag ordeal I felt under appriciated. But I kept my chin up because I could SEE how much you loved me.A nd you killed that happy hopeful and confidant little girl. You left the angry bitter hurt bitch behind. You just unbound her. You set her free. You poured salt in the already gaping wound that WAS her heart.
Now I'm bitter and cold. Lonely and hurt. Lost and alone.
And all we do is fight.
I don't know how to fix this. And I'm NO LONGER willing to be the one to come up with the answers. I figure out the answers to all our problems. You never like them. You always complain about them but you never offer your own solutions. I never know what's going through your head. You only give me your opinion when your angry. OR when you have something negative or nasty to say. So this time.. it's on you. I didn't break me this time,you did. If you do nothing. If nothing changes. If you suggest nothing. I'm done. I'm gone. I'll leave and you'll never see me again. I'll move on and eventually find someone who will make an effort. A serious honest WORK YOUR ASS OFF effort. Because I'm begaining to believe you -never- will.
I am open, giving, and honest with everyone as the best of my ability now. And still no one sees me for who I really am.
They don't ever care like I do. And it's taring me appart. Making my head hurt. MAking me cry.
The way people treat me and reguard me. With the exception of a few. Is always under appriciative. Even my own boyfriend can't show me that he'll protect me physically or emotionally. All because he thought he was being nice. What he didn't realize is he was letting some insignificant bitch sabotage his relationship. Some worthless flirt who isn't even cute or funny or even INTERESTING in the least.You let her show me that I can't count on you to stand at my defence even if I am sitting right there watching them disrespect me. How could you let someone so unimportant ruine something you claim is the most important thing in this world to you (Barring your child of course.)? How could you not see that it didnt stop hurting. I never told you it was ok. I told you I forgive you. That you don't need to apologize. If I couldn't forgive you I wouldn't have stayed with you I'd have left you long ago. But I love you. So hugely and overwhelmingly. But I can't even say -completely- anymore. Because I can't feel it. If I loved you completely I'd be convinced we're going to make it forever like we both wanted. If I loved you completely I'd still have FAITH that you were going to grow up, change, and STOP disapointing me every time I try to invest a little faith and trust in you. But I can't love you completely because I don't -have- that faith anymore. Because that hurt me so much I can't feel safe and secure, and like you'll never do it again. I Believe you mean it when you say it... But you forget to do or not do so many other things...how can I blieve that you won't forget to tell the next bitch to get out your grill? (Really you were part of the problem.) Or that next time you won't smile at her the way I used to see you only smile at me? You don't even look at me like that anymore. MAybe because I'm a bitch. But I'm a bitch because it wont stop hurting. And every argument and every time you yell. Every time you threw something, slammed a door, or yelled at me. Made the wound run deeper.
It hurt so bad lastnight I couldn't bare to let you touch me. I felt like I was dying every time. Every hug. Every tear that fell from my eyes was a piece of me. And I'm running out of tears.
I don't know how to fix this one. I really wish I knew how. But I don't. I have tried to not care that you were so not-understanding about the whole thing. I try to ignore the fact that you still cannot grasp why it hurt me so bad. To be honest I don't know why it did so much irreparible damage. THe face is, it did. It also fed me up. IF we can't stop arguing we have to be done. Because I'm bleeding inside and I am almost dead. I can't do this anymore. I try so hard. I try so so so so hard to make it not bother me, to not argue with you, to not be misrible. To not feel like you can't care about me enough. MAybe I shouldn't. In this almost two years you've never shown me that you care as -much- as I did. Or that you were willing to WORK as hard as I did for US... I kept US from being homeless more then once... I supported you even though many people told me I was wasting my time on an opertunist who would simply move on to the next cow when this ones all dried up. I babied you when you cried. I clean up after you (not as well as I -could-) I cook for you. I give you things, I give you gifts. I THINK of you all the time. I am CONSIDERATE of your feelings in EVERYTHING I do. And even before this whole whore-bag ordeal I felt under appriciated. But I kept my chin up because I could SEE how much you loved me.A nd you killed that happy hopeful and confidant little girl. You left the angry bitter hurt bitch behind. You just unbound her. You set her free. You poured salt in the already gaping wound that WAS her heart.
Now I'm bitter and cold. Lonely and hurt. Lost and alone.
And all we do is fight.
I don't know how to fix this. And I'm NO LONGER willing to be the one to come up with the answers. I figure out the answers to all our problems. You never like them. You always complain about them but you never offer your own solutions. I never know what's going through your head. You only give me your opinion when your angry. OR when you have something negative or nasty to say. So this time.. it's on you. I didn't break me this time,you did. If you do nothing. If nothing changes. If you suggest nothing. I'm done. I'm gone. I'll leave and you'll never see me again. I'll move on and eventually find someone who will make an effort. A serious honest WORK YOUR ASS OFF effort. Because I'm begaining to believe you -never- will.
astraltraveller:
Sounds well shitty man. hope it gets better sooon
astraltraveller:
No worries, it sounds like a pretty negative situation all round. It seems like you know your limits, which means you shouldn't take any more shit than you have to.