cherry

i'm one of those strange people that like salty and sweet things. yes, i like chocolate covered pretzels, yes i dip my tamago nigiri in soy sauce, yes salt and vinegar crisps (chips) and chocolate make great sandwich fillings (yes together). no, i don't often eat this way, but thought i'd let you know...

... oh, one other thing while we're talking about my strange eating preferences - i have a very specific way that i eat most foods. mostly i take them apart and eat them in a certain order, but it's specific to each thing. i could give an example but i'm not ready for that... some people who know me in person find it endearing. some people find it flat out odd. a lot of people don't notice unless they spend real time with me. really they're just obsessive little habits that keep my busy little brain occupied and stimulated. i don't like eating things together. i like to appreciate the individual parts... individually.

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you should look at that bigger: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3168/2547117162_b0181d02ce_b.jpg


i read a book last week called blindsight by peter watts. it's a great science fiction book written by a marine biologist. he has a really interesting taking on life in the universe. but, i don't want to talk too much about the book as such. the protagonist of the book made me think a lot about myself.

i thought i was a very emphatic person before reading this book. i empathise remarkably with all kinds of creatures around me (human and non - although it's arguable if i really empathise with non-humans because after all i'm anthropomorphising them). i often empathise to the point that i'm moved to feel someone else's pain. or, that was the way i thought of it before now.

but then this book came into my life and it caused me to really examine myself. the question i put to myself is - do i really empathise (i.e. do i really feel what the other person is feeling) or do i merely know the outcome of the situation and can therefore deduct the base nature of the other person's feeling and in turn just relate it to some part of my brain that tells me to react a certain way?

normally i wouldn't question myself in such a way but the book made me face a fact that i'd been thinking about for years - in many situations involving other people i interact in a certain way because it's expected of me (me as in a human being, not my personality). my response to people is often a carefully learned response that i learn from observing (similarly to the protagonist in the book). in the past i make mistakes (and still do) but this is how i find myself interacting in social situations with people i am not extremely close to. yes, even sometimes friends.

but is that really all that unusual? i suspect not; not in certain situations. most interactions are nurtured rather than intrinsic to our nature, but where does the line appear and where do we stop doing what comes naturally to us? i believe this is the sticking point - that line is different in every person.

let me explain some more - to many people most of their responses are natural, personal and they respond without thinking. somewhere the line exists where they have to process more and decide how to react, but in many people there are only a very limited number of interactions (say, interviews for jobs, important meetings, interactions with people they don't like etc) where the responses must be processed and played out in accordance with decisions they've made.

then there is a smaller subset of people where the number of interactions in which they must process and play out learned reactions is much greater. i've always (since i can remember) felt like the latter kind of person. in social interactions i have felt like an actor my whole life who is unable to learn the exact lines ahead of time but is, instead, given sets of circumstances and common outcomes. i believe the social anxiety i have suffered in recent years has been a direct result of my conscious awareness of this trait.

so, what was so special about this book if it was something i already knew about?

this book taught me it's okay to be like that, and that, yes, this makes me a beautiful person inside too, even if it conflicts with the person everyone else thinks they know. really, we only know people based on our own assumptions and inner self, so this is just natural, right?

people that have to process situations and slowly and deliberately play out learned responses are capable of great love and care too. there is just much more internal doubt to sit with it. this won't make the doubt go away for me, but it does help me feel like i am okay and i am more human than i give myself credit.





I thought you might be interested to see my sets as they go into member review, so I am simply going to list them here. I am getting more and more in there I have shot on film, and I know some of you are keen on those.

Thanks to you guys, both Archie's and Ala's sets have made it to the front page.


Film

Anila - Strength is... NEW
Pirate - het piraat bier - NEW
Moira - Lady Lazarus COMING SOON
Meshell - Button Button COMING SOON

Digital

Moira - In a New Light
Miranda - From Within
Rin - My Own Madness
Lumiere - Liberty
Dotty - Seafront
Dis - Skylines

Check back very soon as I'll be updating this section even if I don't post a new entry to my journal.
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in case you want to read that book