cherry

After that last super happy piece of news how about a little honesty? Hmmm?

Since about September last year (after my bike accident, actually) I have been battling with some pretty bad acne. I've always had pretty good skin with only a few blemishes every now and then; even when I was a teenager. Now I'm 26 and the majority of my face is covered in acne. The only part of my face that isn't is my eyes and the surrounding area. This is one of the reasons that my face has been mostly covered in the majority of photos of me. It seems so vain to be so upset and concerned about one's facial appearance.

I look back on days when I thought I had "bad skin" and I see a total of four, maybe five spots and I laugh at my ridiculous over reaction back then. If only I'd known what it was really like to have bad skin; I don't think I'd ever have complained.

I still like the way my eyes look but I am pretty embarrassed about my appearance otherwise. It seems kind of crazy that I should put so much stock on the way I look, but I have lost a lot of my self confidence because of it. I am probably 100 times more self conscious than I was when I was going through puberty and my body was changing into a woman's.

Why am I saying all this? Because sometimes it takes looking into one's own eyes to see what needs to get out there into the world. And, sometimes it takes telling a whole world of people before you begin to feel less alone in what is really not a very important issue in the grand scheme of the world's troubles.

For the past month I have been toying with the idea of taking photos of my face and showing the world. In a way I want to tell people it's okay if your skin isn't perfect, don't be afraid and hide (like me). But then I lose all courage and don't do it.

I also just want it to get better and I really have no idea why it's suddenly happened to me. This along with gaining about 40lbs in weight in the past year has given me some hints and possibilities relating to either the medication I was taking, the dairy in Canada or hormones. All kinds of possibilities. I've attempted to change all those things and Matthew tells me it is getting better but I'm still not sure. Perhaps I really need to document it to see, even if I don't show those photos to the world.

I'm just fed up of feeling ugly even though I know deep down that having terrible skin and being chubby doesn't really make me ugly it doesn't make me feel any prettier.