cherry

ZombieMe. (Who knew zombies could take self-portraits?)

About the photo : Yesterday was the annual zombie walk in Vancouver. I was going to wait until I had a lot of photos to post, but it might be a while before they are ready and edited. I am feeling so lost and uninspired recently. I feel like I have no talent and everything I try to do just doesn't work out. I know this is just temporary and a very selfish feeling so don't try to tell me these things. It'll pass, much like writer's block. It doesn't mean it doesn't make me feel miserable. I am so frustrated with myself.

For those that don't know there is a certain medication I am supposed to take and I keep forgetting it. I think it's all part of the new environment and a lack of routine, but it is making me feel just awful. I've always thought it quite a faux pas to talk about these things on a public journal, but maybe that is because I always assume those people are asking for sympathy or attention. Now I find myself doing it and I am shocked at myself, but also shocked at really it is just something that I need to put out there. Perhaps it is my way of punishing myself. I hate how judgemental I am at times, also. A common flaw of the human race. If only I was 100% alien like AnnaLee, and not just a sorry pretender. Disappointment.

So, yes. My makeup was done by the ever wonderful Redmess. God I love that lady. She's leaving in a couple of weeks to go back down to her homeland and I am frankly gutted and disgusted at myself for not making more of an effort sooner to spend time with her. I hate how socially-afraid I am, really. I'm going to do my best to make up for that these next two weeks, anyway.

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I just finished reading the book AnnaLee gave to me for my Birthday (yes, it took me a long time). I feel like this photo sums up a lot of the atmosphere in the book. It's called Acts of Levitation by Laynie Brown (I adore the cover by the way). I'm currently unsure if I would recommend anyone reading this book. It was surely difficult, but quite an experience.

I would say, that if you are looking for something different to the norm and don't mind a challenge then this book might be for you. The story is mystifying and quite beautiful. It is written in such a style that it is incredibly difficult to read. It's almost a stream of consciousness in parts and she uses words that you would certainly not expect in context. Not only this but it breaks all the rules in that it switches point of view often and rapidly.

When I first started reading it, it was much like reading a whole new language, but I stopped thinking about it so hard and it came naturally. I realised on about the third or fourth attempt that it is uncannily similar to my very own thought process. Once I came to this conclusion it was much much easier and a rather enlightening experience. I enjoyed it a whole lot and I am just a slow reader (incase you wondered what took me so long).

The literal imagery in the book is my favourite, and the more I am talking about it the more I am falling in love with it. Isn't that a strange thing with some books? They are not instant hits, but the more you think into it the more it pulls on your heart strings. On second thoughts, read it. If you like pretty stories about photography, mysteries and awkward and unusual friendships then it is most definitely for you. A beautiful read.

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I realise this entry is going on and on, but honestly I am finding this rather therapeutic and it is something I have desperately needed for some time. Perhaps I should update more often. I stopped writing very personal journals a long time ago, mainly because the sheer size of the Internet became very apparent to me one day and it made me retreat into my shell.

The book I mentioned that I have just finished reading has inspired me to start writing again (it was so long ago I gave up). I honestly just wish I were better at it. I have difficulty with reading and writing as I have previously mentioned but this doesn't mean I can't learn more.

I have taught myself every single thing I know about taking a photograph and I am convinced I could do the same with creative writing (I hate that "name"). Does anyone know a good, not-boring, instructional book for writing?

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This is another self-portrait I recently took on a ferry trip. It's a pretty open portrait, and the closest to what I currently look like (or at least how I would like to be seen by other people).

This past week I have suddenly been feeling so terribly homesick. Every time I start to think of it I burst into tears. Even now I am fighting them back while I write this. I have never had people in my life I could truly count as friends until the past year or two. Suddenly I have a few very close people in my life that mean so much to me. I am missing them so terribly. I am also feeling lost without the British surroundings. Mostly I miss the smells. I think that is strange.

A couple of days ago I was missing people especially so. I took a big step and emailed out my phone number. I have severe anxiety talking on the phone and it is very uncomfortable (again, I don't want sympathy, I just wanted to illustrate the magnitude of this decision). Literally two minutes after hitting send the phone rings. On the other end is Kit. I couldn't believe it. I don't think she realised but my eyes were streaming with tears while I was talking to her.

There were several people that mean the world to me that just happened to be at her place having a few drinks. I got to speak to them all. It made my month. At the time I hoped it would abate my homesickness, but it has actually made it a little worse. But, I am strong and I do love it here. I'll battle on.


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This photo illustrates my love for this part of the planet. I hope I'll never tire of these views.

I want to thank all of you that have read my journal, but I also want to tell those that just look at the photos that this is okay too.

I have had people tell me that to be taken seriously as an artist (or photographer) perhaps I shouldn't write the kind of personal stuff I have today. While I agree with them, I think I have decided (just now), that it is time I stop worrying what other people "think" of me (to be fair, the affore-mentioned people have also told me so). This, of course, is easier said than done for many people; including myself. I am going to try my best whichever way I can and remind myself that without allowing people into my world they may never truly see what I do. And, afterall, that is all I am trying to do with my photographs...

...because sometimes, it is just so magnificent that it pains me to have any sense recognise it as such.