I used to think I could find myself in the music. I used to think my life would live itself through a varied and hip (albeit slightly underground) soundtrack.
My life was music. Everything else was just a distraction; a side-road of non-discovery and dead-ends.
A horrendous situation and a cycle of abuse lead me to the path that took me away from the music. It broke my heart. I thought I would never survive; that I would never live again.
I haven't touched either of my bass guitars since that last day in the wasteland. They've lived for the past two years in their cases made of foam and plastic and faux leather. One is broken from a nightmare rehearsal and the other desperately craves those magic fingers that will bring it to life again.
The remains of my broken dreams always taunted me out of the corner of my eye. That is, until July last year when I had to put them away into storage. You might wonder why I didn't just give up the ghost and get rid of them...
Somewhere inside I held out hope that my dreams might live on somewhere in an alternate universe; just out of reach. I thought that perhaps I would find my path crossed with that one again one day. In the meantime it hurt too much to catch the small glimpse of what I used to have.
The thing is, all along I thought that was my only path through my life. The whole time I was missing the point. There is no one path. That path passed me by and if I wasn't careful I was going to let my current path pass by too and I would be lost again.
So I woke up. I opened my eyes and there it was. Staring me in the face was how I had really found myself. I had learnt to abandon the continuous struggle of forcing influence and creating life out of music but instead to capture the brilliance and beauty of life.
On this path my life is the photograph. It's the photo you wish you'd taken; the moment you wish you'd witnessed but the force of nature prevented you from being there. So, I saved it for you. And here I will hold all those moments in my heart for you when you are ready to see.
In the darkness I follow the path trying desperately not to lose my footing. But in the near distance I hear the sound of music. It's close and it's influence is heavy. It's times like these I learn to love again.
Maybe it's time I laid my fingers on that beautiful instrument again and gave them a break from the click click click of the shutter. But only for the minutes in between those moments I have promised to capture and hold for you...
...afterall, I could lose my footing at anytime and the path will be lost to me. For now, I am the photograph and the photograph is me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry I haven't replied to all the comments and pep-talks on my last entry! I have moved home - HURRAH! But now I am left internetless which is clearly rubbish. But, so you know I read every one and they were all important and special in their own way. Thank you; it's nice to know people empathise with this little shy introvert.
So, tomorrow I am off to Sweden for a week and a bit! Hooray! 20 or more SuicideGirls later and a whole lot of shooting and I will be back home to a warm bed and a beautiful new apartment...
...shame I'll still have to unpack everything.
Reflections and Clouds spell Hearts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you waiting for replies to emails and messages please be patient. I will get back to you eventually.
Miss you all xxxxxx.
:cherry:
My life was music. Everything else was just a distraction; a side-road of non-discovery and dead-ends.
A horrendous situation and a cycle of abuse lead me to the path that took me away from the music. It broke my heart. I thought I would never survive; that I would never live again.
I haven't touched either of my bass guitars since that last day in the wasteland. They've lived for the past two years in their cases made of foam and plastic and faux leather. One is broken from a nightmare rehearsal and the other desperately craves those magic fingers that will bring it to life again.
The remains of my broken dreams always taunted me out of the corner of my eye. That is, until July last year when I had to put them away into storage. You might wonder why I didn't just give up the ghost and get rid of them...
Somewhere inside I held out hope that my dreams might live on somewhere in an alternate universe; just out of reach. I thought that perhaps I would find my path crossed with that one again one day. In the meantime it hurt too much to catch the small glimpse of what I used to have.
The thing is, all along I thought that was my only path through my life. The whole time I was missing the point. There is no one path. That path passed me by and if I wasn't careful I was going to let my current path pass by too and I would be lost again.
So I woke up. I opened my eyes and there it was. Staring me in the face was how I had really found myself. I had learnt to abandon the continuous struggle of forcing influence and creating life out of music but instead to capture the brilliance and beauty of life.
On this path my life is the photograph. It's the photo you wish you'd taken; the moment you wish you'd witnessed but the force of nature prevented you from being there. So, I saved it for you. And here I will hold all those moments in my heart for you when you are ready to see.
In the darkness I follow the path trying desperately not to lose my footing. But in the near distance I hear the sound of music. It's close and it's influence is heavy. It's times like these I learn to love again.
Maybe it's time I laid my fingers on that beautiful instrument again and gave them a break from the click click click of the shutter. But only for the minutes in between those moments I have promised to capture and hold for you...
...afterall, I could lose my footing at anytime and the path will be lost to me. For now, I am the photograph and the photograph is me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry I haven't replied to all the comments and pep-talks on my last entry! I have moved home - HURRAH! But now I am left internetless which is clearly rubbish. But, so you know I read every one and they were all important and special in their own way. Thank you; it's nice to know people empathise with this little shy introvert.
So, tomorrow I am off to Sweden for a week and a bit! Hooray! 20 or more SuicideGirls later and a whole lot of shooting and I will be back home to a warm bed and a beautiful new apartment...
...shame I'll still have to unpack everything.
Reflections and Clouds spell Hearts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you waiting for replies to emails and messages please be patient. I will get back to you eventually.
Miss you all xxxxxx.
:cherry: VIEW 25 of 103 COMMENTS
You are most welcome to visit our part of the North in the summer; it would be so nice to show you how beautiful this little country is.
Have a lovely rest of the week!
[Edited on Mar 22, 2006 9:32PM]