-It's when a man is backed into a corner that his real claws come out.
Mine have gone very dull and rusty. Large lack of use. Was a day, not even all that horribly far back, that I was under constant pressure to fight back from the depths of hell itself to make sure everything was going to be alright. Bout to lose a house, not be able to put food on the table...live (yeah, this isn't my first battle with my brain, just the worst)...all the time I was scratching and clawing at the world, getting a foothold back into it so that I could keep moving on.
Lately, I either haven't NEEDED to, or in times where i should've, I just rolled over/walked away....Living situation is fine, there's just been a few psosibilities I've been open to, different situations I've needed to assess. Money and work are fine, one begetting the other...hell, even starting to move into an actual career path if I'm very very lucky over these next few months...I have all the basic needs..food, shelter, water, clothing. but that's where the fight seems to have stopped.
Outside of with the work thing, which I am still going to claw at until the day I die, because i have proven to myself that i can get MUCH better, and will keep charging ahead until i am where I want to be, or am shown the way out...
I've stopped fighting...(?) It was a hard assessment to take...but it's right THERE. My girls...gone. I had found actual happiness with someone...and told them to walk away...the health...I'd be lying if I said I had Noooo idea what was happening back when it all began, btu since no one ever checked for it, I kept my mouth shut, waiting to be proven wrong, and it only got worse, and we've seen where that got me (if you've been following along on either "blog")
so what it all boils down to...I did this to myself? Why? I think the problem was how long I was in the corner, a good portion of my life leaving high school all the way till...well...I gave in really. but one thing is for certain, to be fighting, to have the wall to your back and no where to run... I really could say I felt alive.
Some of my friends and I talk about how i find roller coasters relaxing, and go on thrill rides as a source of peace...where others scream and laugh, I enter a calm. Is this part of the miswiring in my head, and now sensations have run amok? Possibly. Part of me just thinks it's because deep down, or my soul, or whatever you want to call it, just misses that feel of life being out of my hands, and just seeing what happens. there are times, many times, when riding a coaster or something, i will see what it would be like if something were to go horribly wrong, what would happen, what would it look like, and be like, if a coaster car was to come off the track or something, and I just smile as it doesn't happen. I see the chaos that is possible, and relish in the fact that throughout all the chaos...here I am.
I want to fight, I want to live again. I certainly DON'T want to put myself back in a predicament where I've got to figure out how I'm going to live...but now i just need something to live for.
The claws are out now...let the games begin.
-Josh
Mine have gone very dull and rusty. Large lack of use. Was a day, not even all that horribly far back, that I was under constant pressure to fight back from the depths of hell itself to make sure everything was going to be alright. Bout to lose a house, not be able to put food on the table...live (yeah, this isn't my first battle with my brain, just the worst)...all the time I was scratching and clawing at the world, getting a foothold back into it so that I could keep moving on.
Lately, I either haven't NEEDED to, or in times where i should've, I just rolled over/walked away....Living situation is fine, there's just been a few psosibilities I've been open to, different situations I've needed to assess. Money and work are fine, one begetting the other...hell, even starting to move into an actual career path if I'm very very lucky over these next few months...I have all the basic needs..food, shelter, water, clothing. but that's where the fight seems to have stopped.
Outside of with the work thing, which I am still going to claw at until the day I die, because i have proven to myself that i can get MUCH better, and will keep charging ahead until i am where I want to be, or am shown the way out...
I've stopped fighting...(?) It was a hard assessment to take...but it's right THERE. My girls...gone. I had found actual happiness with someone...and told them to walk away...the health...I'd be lying if I said I had Noooo idea what was happening back when it all began, btu since no one ever checked for it, I kept my mouth shut, waiting to be proven wrong, and it only got worse, and we've seen where that got me (if you've been following along on either "blog")
so what it all boils down to...I did this to myself? Why? I think the problem was how long I was in the corner, a good portion of my life leaving high school all the way till...well...I gave in really. but one thing is for certain, to be fighting, to have the wall to your back and no where to run... I really could say I felt alive.
Some of my friends and I talk about how i find roller coasters relaxing, and go on thrill rides as a source of peace...where others scream and laugh, I enter a calm. Is this part of the miswiring in my head, and now sensations have run amok? Possibly. Part of me just thinks it's because deep down, or my soul, or whatever you want to call it, just misses that feel of life being out of my hands, and just seeing what happens. there are times, many times, when riding a coaster or something, i will see what it would be like if something were to go horribly wrong, what would happen, what would it look like, and be like, if a coaster car was to come off the track or something, and I just smile as it doesn't happen. I see the chaos that is possible, and relish in the fact that throughout all the chaos...here I am.
I want to fight, I want to live again. I certainly DON'T want to put myself back in a predicament where I've got to figure out how I'm going to live...but now i just need something to live for.
The claws are out now...let the games begin.
-Josh