Okay, I wrote 17 things about me yesterday. Today, I am adding more things since I didnt do 20, and I want you all to know me, I guess. I took a long walk just now. The reason Im not at work is because yesterday I checked out my benefits upon leaving the city govt. Instead of getting 25% rebate-pay for my sick leave, like people had told me, Im getting zero. Only 20-year employees get sick-leave payments.
So I thought up more stuff:
ITS SEX AGAIN Im only had sex with two folks. Only one was a girlfriend; the other was a very adorable friend who wanted to sex with a virgin. At the time, I was a virgin. Hence- sex. Sadly, it ruined our friendship; I wanted to be boy/girl with her, she was very depressed/wigged over some douchey creep guy who didnt love her. So my ex-girlfriend was the only person whos ever been on a second date with me. Ive had a lot of first dates that I thought would surely lead to second dates; they did not. (That whizzing sound is my confidence going through the floor.)
You might wonder- do I regret not having more sex in the past? Well, I put out the effort to inspire girls to sex me; they declined. So, hey, thats that. Ultimately, the past is the past. It wouldnt matter if Id had sex with the entirety of Bratmobile in the old 930 Club backroom in 1992, or the entirety of Sleater-Kinney in the Black Cat Club backroom in 1998, would it? After all, itd still mean I hadnt had sex in almost 5 years but itd give me some hellafied anecdotes, huh? Yes. Wow. But the only important thing there is if youre in a successful relationship now.
I havent always been rational about this. I was keyed-up to have sex a year ago, when I came on to two ladies (in different months, not in one sitting), but they declined and now Ive calmed down a lot. Sex, to me, is the by-product of a successful relationship, not 1) a substitute for one or 2) something you ask people to do as if you were asking them to play Pictionary (that first part I knew already, but the last part took me 35 years to learn, but I learn, eventually.) (Like I said though- if you all out there wanna sleep around, hey, be my guest. Im not telling others what to do. But use a prophylactic!
)
MY BIGGEST FEAR - is that my friends in general, and SG people in particular, will stop thinking Im interesting or wont want to hang around me.
I am very, very, very, very insecure in a particular way- I think I have a pretty good brain/ personality, but I think people dont really like me. If you havent written/ talked to me in two weeks or more, I assume you dont like me. Im just barely exaggerating. This has made me pretty wigged-out on SG sometimes, a site where (quite rightfully) people with lives outside the internet dont come on for a couple weeks, or months, and I think they think I suck, even though they are just living their life! As I told GoatsGotoHell, I get very little face-time with anyone but family, coworkers, and (eep) customers and strangers. And as I told Eddie, I do have pride in my interests and taste, true, but I get insecure about whether Im interesting to other people hence- lag time in doing THIS Journal stuff.
Because of this particular type of insecurity, and that I dont really know a lot of people within casual driving distance, I might push a bit hard for folks to hang out with me. This might turn them off as clingy. I wonder sometimes if I dunno, I send people too many emails or ask too many times if they wanna hang out at particular times. I wonder if some people get turned off.
Also- I like to buy people stuff, and send them stuff. Often I propose sending people mix CDs; this is because Ive worked pretty hard at having unique, cool records and want to turn people on to them but I also like to send people nice things, or if someone says theyre broke I like to buy them things they want. I think this is, no joke, a turn-off to people sometimes. They seem to think its clingy, or that theyll owe me something. Really, I just like to give folks stuff. I dont consciously try to buy peoples friendship. Thats a dumb thing to do, and (logically) only millionaires could afford that kinda thing, anyway. I worry people think that, though.
THE CHEAT, PART TWO When I say I dont believe in cheating, I also mean Im not going to hit on people who are married or dating someone. If I sound lovey-dovey to you, and you are married or going out with someone, relax, I am NOT hitting on you. Its like when I was talking to Trysty about Lex at the Velvet Lounge, and I said, flatly, looking T dead in the eye, I love her. Trysts eyebrows jumped about 5 feet in the air; she went, OH well you know, I think shes going out with someone. I said- oh, I know that. But I love Lex. I love NoControl, I love Antimony and Isadora and bunches of people. I think I love bredoteau and Dierdre and pygmy and SaintInsomniac and Goats and many other folks that I havent spent as much time with but you get into a weird place describing/ analyzing love; just ask musicians, or poets. People too often conflate (ahaha! I am using the Most Pompous Word Evar, CONFLATE!) love and sex. Perhaps Im such a genius for figuring that one out.
MY LEAST FAVORITE TERM IN OUR WORLD is hook-up, when used in regard to the physical act of sex. I would hope that the sex act engendered more passion and human emotional experience that attaching a component to your stereo. To be fair, Im sure some sex acts means less to the people involved than installing a tape deck, and last considerably shorter.
DARN IT - I was going to write something based on someone else's 20 list and now I forget whose, although I've looked up a bunch. I guess I'll just add it whenever I can remember.
So I thought up more stuff:
ITS SEX AGAIN Im only had sex with two folks. Only one was a girlfriend; the other was a very adorable friend who wanted to sex with a virgin. At the time, I was a virgin. Hence- sex. Sadly, it ruined our friendship; I wanted to be boy/girl with her, she was very depressed/wigged over some douchey creep guy who didnt love her. So my ex-girlfriend was the only person whos ever been on a second date with me. Ive had a lot of first dates that I thought would surely lead to second dates; they did not. (That whizzing sound is my confidence going through the floor.)
You might wonder- do I regret not having more sex in the past? Well, I put out the effort to inspire girls to sex me; they declined. So, hey, thats that. Ultimately, the past is the past. It wouldnt matter if Id had sex with the entirety of Bratmobile in the old 930 Club backroom in 1992, or the entirety of Sleater-Kinney in the Black Cat Club backroom in 1998, would it? After all, itd still mean I hadnt had sex in almost 5 years but itd give me some hellafied anecdotes, huh? Yes. Wow. But the only important thing there is if youre in a successful relationship now.
I havent always been rational about this. I was keyed-up to have sex a year ago, when I came on to two ladies (in different months, not in one sitting), but they declined and now Ive calmed down a lot. Sex, to me, is the by-product of a successful relationship, not 1) a substitute for one or 2) something you ask people to do as if you were asking them to play Pictionary (that first part I knew already, but the last part took me 35 years to learn, but I learn, eventually.) (Like I said though- if you all out there wanna sleep around, hey, be my guest. Im not telling others what to do. But use a prophylactic!
)
MY BIGGEST FEAR - is that my friends in general, and SG people in particular, will stop thinking Im interesting or wont want to hang around me.
I am very, very, very, very insecure in a particular way- I think I have a pretty good brain/ personality, but I think people dont really like me. If you havent written/ talked to me in two weeks or more, I assume you dont like me. Im just barely exaggerating. This has made me pretty wigged-out on SG sometimes, a site where (quite rightfully) people with lives outside the internet dont come on for a couple weeks, or months, and I think they think I suck, even though they are just living their life! As I told GoatsGotoHell, I get very little face-time with anyone but family, coworkers, and (eep) customers and strangers. And as I told Eddie, I do have pride in my interests and taste, true, but I get insecure about whether Im interesting to other people hence- lag time in doing THIS Journal stuff.
Because of this particular type of insecurity, and that I dont really know a lot of people within casual driving distance, I might push a bit hard for folks to hang out with me. This might turn them off as clingy. I wonder sometimes if I dunno, I send people too many emails or ask too many times if they wanna hang out at particular times. I wonder if some people get turned off.
Also- I like to buy people stuff, and send them stuff. Often I propose sending people mix CDs; this is because Ive worked pretty hard at having unique, cool records and want to turn people on to them but I also like to send people nice things, or if someone says theyre broke I like to buy them things they want. I think this is, no joke, a turn-off to people sometimes. They seem to think its clingy, or that theyll owe me something. Really, I just like to give folks stuff. I dont consciously try to buy peoples friendship. Thats a dumb thing to do, and (logically) only millionaires could afford that kinda thing, anyway. I worry people think that, though.
THE CHEAT, PART TWO When I say I dont believe in cheating, I also mean Im not going to hit on people who are married or dating someone. If I sound lovey-dovey to you, and you are married or going out with someone, relax, I am NOT hitting on you. Its like when I was talking to Trysty about Lex at the Velvet Lounge, and I said, flatly, looking T dead in the eye, I love her. Trysts eyebrows jumped about 5 feet in the air; she went, OH well you know, I think shes going out with someone. I said- oh, I know that. But I love Lex. I love NoControl, I love Antimony and Isadora and bunches of people. I think I love bredoteau and Dierdre and pygmy and SaintInsomniac and Goats and many other folks that I havent spent as much time with but you get into a weird place describing/ analyzing love; just ask musicians, or poets. People too often conflate (ahaha! I am using the Most Pompous Word Evar, CONFLATE!) love and sex. Perhaps Im such a genius for figuring that one out.
MY LEAST FAVORITE TERM IN OUR WORLD is hook-up, when used in regard to the physical act of sex. I would hope that the sex act engendered more passion and human emotional experience that attaching a component to your stereo. To be fair, Im sure some sex acts means less to the people involved than installing a tape deck, and last considerably shorter.
DARN IT - I was going to write something based on someone else's 20 list and now I forget whose, although I've looked up a bunch. I guess I'll just add it whenever I can remember.
VIEW 20 of 20 COMMENTS
But I missed talking to you the whole time!
Resend me your address, you're way overdue a care package from me and I've been totally slack on that. I'm sorry!
Cherry xxxxx.