I really need to let my mind go on something other then the soundboard in my head. This is one of the times I really hope no one reads anything I type because I feel horrible, insane, pathetic and I don't want people to know it.
how am I horrible? I have a love, a friend and someone I care about greatly, more than I should. She is not mine to have, I know this and I canlet it go, as much as possible in the repeated itunes playlist in my head will allow me. I don't say she is my love as in I have any claim to her, but instead that i do love her and who she is, and if she could let herself want me more then what she currently wants, then she indeed would be.
How am I pathetic? I am 30 shortly 31, staring into the eyes of someone that i shouldn't want, that i know is not mine, and i am no puppy dog, i am not love sick, I am too pragmatic for it, i am too rational to want what I don't have the chance to have. Yet here I sit, alone in a dark room, afraid of finding someone not worth what i think she is, and afraid of being right that I am worth more then who she wants, and her being struck with him. I am pathetic because I am to far along in this life to yearn for something i don't get to have. I am pathetic for feeling like a child again.
I am insane because I am a waste of life and talent and intelligence in this life of ours. I will wake up tomorrow and go to work, I will fail to notice those who are interested in me, and fail to notice those who are functional and healthy in mind and relationship concept. I will spend many more days, months, years.... failing to try and meet someone who would work for me, who would see paste my horrible, Pathetic insanity. Instead I will yearn for someone who is unavailable while accepting the lack of chance... all because they feel like home, because I have believe a moment of the time I have known them, that they didn't feel right to me.
I asked her to talk, to let her know things i need her to hear, things i felt necessary in my head. I am always a man of belief that knowledge is the most important thing, communication of that knowledge in a photo finish tie. I wanted her to know that all i was saying was not in my mind meant to be colored one way or the other. No negative no positive just what i think, what i see and what i am. Some things were not the things i wanted to say, but came out because of her responses, because i didn't get enough sleep, They were truth but they were things that will affect her in ways she doesn't need in her life, she doesn't need my words infecting her, she needs her life to be what she wants.
These few weeks since I told her I wanted to talk, I have been replaying a quote from am movie in my head.
Chasing Amy.
Holden: " it's unfair that I'm in love with you?"
Alisa: " No it's unfortunate that your in love with me. It's unfair that you had the fuckin need to unburden your soul with it."
I can't say I feel it sums up my situation, I don't mean that qoute to sound as if it was dead on to my situation, but I do feel that the things i said shouldn't affect her the way I think they might, or in the dark manipulative parts of my soul, wanted to affect her a specific way. Instead I am worried they will affect her in the ways that most distructive, in ways that will weaken the foundation of the friendship i want to know until the day i am no longer a part of this breathing apparatus.
an there is my soul, pathetic and degenerative, I believe myself to be a good guy, but I am kind worthless.
that is all for now,
tomorrow and years from now I will be here thinking this over and over again.
how am I horrible? I have a love, a friend and someone I care about greatly, more than I should. She is not mine to have, I know this and I canlet it go, as much as possible in the repeated itunes playlist in my head will allow me. I don't say she is my love as in I have any claim to her, but instead that i do love her and who she is, and if she could let herself want me more then what she currently wants, then she indeed would be.
How am I pathetic? I am 30 shortly 31, staring into the eyes of someone that i shouldn't want, that i know is not mine, and i am no puppy dog, i am not love sick, I am too pragmatic for it, i am too rational to want what I don't have the chance to have. Yet here I sit, alone in a dark room, afraid of finding someone not worth what i think she is, and afraid of being right that I am worth more then who she wants, and her being struck with him. I am pathetic because I am to far along in this life to yearn for something i don't get to have. I am pathetic for feeling like a child again.
I am insane because I am a waste of life and talent and intelligence in this life of ours. I will wake up tomorrow and go to work, I will fail to notice those who are interested in me, and fail to notice those who are functional and healthy in mind and relationship concept. I will spend many more days, months, years.... failing to try and meet someone who would work for me, who would see paste my horrible, Pathetic insanity. Instead I will yearn for someone who is unavailable while accepting the lack of chance... all because they feel like home, because I have believe a moment of the time I have known them, that they didn't feel right to me.
I asked her to talk, to let her know things i need her to hear, things i felt necessary in my head. I am always a man of belief that knowledge is the most important thing, communication of that knowledge in a photo finish tie. I wanted her to know that all i was saying was not in my mind meant to be colored one way or the other. No negative no positive just what i think, what i see and what i am. Some things were not the things i wanted to say, but came out because of her responses, because i didn't get enough sleep, They were truth but they were things that will affect her in ways she doesn't need in her life, she doesn't need my words infecting her, she needs her life to be what she wants.
These few weeks since I told her I wanted to talk, I have been replaying a quote from am movie in my head.
Chasing Amy.
Holden: " it's unfair that I'm in love with you?"
Alisa: " No it's unfortunate that your in love with me. It's unfair that you had the fuckin need to unburden your soul with it."
I can't say I feel it sums up my situation, I don't mean that qoute to sound as if it was dead on to my situation, but I do feel that the things i said shouldn't affect her the way I think they might, or in the dark manipulative parts of my soul, wanted to affect her a specific way. Instead I am worried they will affect her in the ways that most distructive, in ways that will weaken the foundation of the friendship i want to know until the day i am no longer a part of this breathing apparatus.
an there is my soul, pathetic and degenerative, I believe myself to be a good guy, but I am kind worthless.
that is all for now,
tomorrow and years from now I will be here thinking this over and over again.