charlize

Okay, round three of my surgical nightmare! I have surgery scheduled for February 3rd. Less than two weeks. It turns out that I have two hernias. Also, I apparently have had them for a VERY long time and had no idea. I am having fairly major surgery to repair them. Recovery time is approximately six weeks. I am going to try to return to work after three weeks...but I doubt it will happen. The doctor (new doctor) told me that this will be much more brutal than the other surgeries I had. I thought the last one was going to kill me, so I am kind of worried. As long as I don't have to deal with my mom being a bitch I should be okay...Ugh! Kind of funny though, hernias are a male thing and if they happen in females it usually happens in old age. My body is so fucked!

Okay, so I have wanted to create music since I was four. I remember the moment, as cheesy as that is. I always try to fight my instincts about it, but I just can't do it. I have a 5-octave range. I am supposed to be performing and creating and singing. It is for my SANITY. I had not been singing because it hurts (breath support and what-not, singing well takes muscles and shit). That went to shit last week. At first I had a hard time because it does hurt, but after awile I forget pain because it helps me emotionally. It is a good trade, trust me. Anyway, now I need to start a new band. I have never been in a band. I have always been in choirs and musicals and a soloist with a piano. When I was in high school I was signed to a modeling agency and I talked to some dumb high-up record executives. It was all highly unsatisfying. They don't let you write or sing how you want. I was always told my songs were too depressing and too hard. Like, the subjects I wanted to cover. I would rather have my own band and do what I want. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can ge this started? I am kind of jumping the gun, considering I am going to be down for another two months or so. I am going to do it, I need to. I'm sure people can relate.

As far as the boy goes, I am torn. I like him, but but but...I don't know. I am probably just trying to keep from experiencing a relationship. I always do. I don't want to see him tonight, yet i am irritated that he hasn't called...yet I told him I won't see him tonight or tomorrow. I don't even understand why he wants to be involved with someone in my medical position. blah!