charlatan

I have been sober and clear headed for almost a week now. This has not happened in quite some time. It has forced me to deal with feelings that I have been purposely avoiding. Problems I would give anything to have solve themselves.

I went to a movie tonight with my wife. We had a really good time. We didn't argue over small things. There was no mention about how she ditched our wedding aniversary to spend the weekend on the North Shore with her boyfriend. There was no discussion about how she went to Disneyworld with him for the week of my birthday. Not a voice was raised over infidelity, or dishonesty.

It was...nice.

On the way home it hit me like a stone. She doesn't love me. Sure I've said it to myself a hundred times. This time it sticks. I've spent twelve years of my life loving her. No one knows me better. Not even close. If she can't love me, who can?

It hurts.

I thought, for a while, that maybe she was incapable of loving like I do. That she wasn't mature enough to, and that is why she strayed. Now I know that the reason she left was me. She didn't love me. Not like a wife should love her husband. Not like I loved her.

These are hard things for me to swallow.

I know how much time has passed since I found out about the affair but I've drank everytime these thoughts and feelings started to creep up. I would drink until I could push them down again. It's my only defense to the realization that I am a failure at the only thing I ever realy tried to accomplish in my life.

Why are the things you really want so hard to succeed at and the things that don't drive your life come easier? Why can't just once it be the other way around? Why did she do this? After all our time together why did she wait until we were married?

Why can't I ever measure up to the next guy when it comes to love? It always happens the same way. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girls says she loves boy. Girl leaves boy for first guy that shows interest in her. Boy is left broken hearted, again.

I'm tired of being alone. I want to have those conversations couples have. To talk like couples do; like they are the only ones in the room. My heart is lonely. My bed is too big for me now. My teddy bear is comforting no longer. The booze is gone.

Does wanting those things mean I am not ready for them yet?

Just for the record:
I would have loved her my whole life.

Driving back, to her apartment
For the moment we're alone
But she's alone
and I'm alone
and now I know it.