charlatan

I've been feeling pretty good the last few days. I feel more in control of my life than I have in weeks. I got my job back, had something profound happen to me on Thursday evening, and generally my anxiety has subsided. I feel good. I'm down to a pretty slim build which actually feels pretty good. I don't mind that I'm a big guy. I think it looks pretty cute on me but losing some of that baggage makes me feel healthier and that lifts my spirits.

It's funny how a few compliments can really change things when you change your perspective. I am changed since Thursday. I can feel it, like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I have had some pretty amazing things told to me about me in the last week that on Monday would have made no difference. I never thought of myself as a really strong person, or a person of strength. A good friend told me that they thought I was stronger than most and it really touched me. I also was told by someone that I changed their life for the better. Those are steep words and hard to fathom but it really touched my heart to receive them. Thank you to both of you.

Sometimes I feel like my astrological sign so much that it freaks me out. Everything that has happened to me in the last couple months has made me really search for some way to analyze and understand what makes me up now. I've looked into Scorpio more than ever and the one thing that seems to ring true for me is that I honestly feel that people don't feel their emotions the way I do. I feel like I take things to heart alot more than anyone I know. Not that other people don't feel things profoundly but that I let things touch me more deeply than others. It seems to be my blessing and my curse at the same time. It gives me an amazing capacity to love and care for those around me but also makes loss and hard times shake me to my foundation. I am beginning to think that I need to take serious action to shut this down to protect myself from the latter but I am kind of on the fence about it. I like caring for others. I like trying to make those I care about happy and honestly strive to see that they all get what I think they deserve out of life. I like trying to make things easy for those I care about. Of course when things go awry in a way that effects me it's hard not to crumble at the letdown of my efforts. The way I am in the aftermath is one of the greatest fears in my life.

Things have been unlucky for me lately to say the least. Between the breakup, my aching tailbone, my broken computer, my broken face, my lost job (which I got back with some humiliating exchanges), my stolen bank account and small amount of money trouble my resolve has been tested like never before. This has been officially the hardest time of my life. Partly for all of those reasons and partly because of my inability to take things as they come. I latched onto to something that was lost because it was the last good thing I remember in my life before all of this misfortune befell me. It really wasn't fair of me to do that for anyone, including myself. I feel alot better now. I don't feel lost, or hopeless, or desroyed like I did. I've been on a steady upswing all week and I'm relieved to feel like I'm finally putting this stuff behind me. I don't deserve to feel defeated at every turn and I refuse to let the indulgence of despair I invite on myself rule me anymore. Sure I miss some things, but that can't be helped. To forget or push aside great memories just because they include a bit of regret is to partition off the happiness that has made you who you are. I won't indulge but neither will I leave them behind or deny that they were.

I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to start again. I can feel it in my heart that now I'm finally ready. I have this great instinct about what is important in life and it is not dwelling on the past, no matter how great some of it was. I long for something new and exciting and deserve to have it. Hell I'm still relatively young, I think I'm pretty good looking, I make a decent living, have a nice house, good friends to hang out with most of the time, and have that ability to give like no one I've ever met. These are good qualities. I think I just needed to be reminded of those things. Well the good looking thing I just threw in for vanity's sake but it sounds nice anyway.

Life is looking up for Tim and all I can say is it's about time. I'm amazed that I pulled myself out of this as far as I have. For longer than is healthy I honestly saw no light at the end of the tunnel for me and it led to some very grave and dark thoughts.

I love it when something happens that makes you look at life anew. I'm sorry it had be that but it has helped me immensely in putting my life into the proper point of view and I am grateful for it...