charlatan

I always say that I'm not good with meeting new people. That isn't really the case with me I suppose. It's just easier to say than the truth. The truth is when I start to care about someone I have difficulty knowing what my place is with them. This creates some anxiety and uncertainty inside. i wish I could just be free spirited like most people but it doesn't come that easy for me. I always overthink, overplan, and overreact. Not just with people but sometimes with the smallest little things. I'm not sure how to make myself be more laid back about that stuff.

That is a real contradiction to everything else about me as well. Just about nothing else really bothers me. Nothing people I don't care about do or say bothers me in the slightest. So I guess being in my bubble is like a curse to whoever enters.

I'm really starting to notice how down I am on myself. I never noticed before at all. But now that it is being pointed out to me on a regular basis I can see more clearly and I want to try and break that cycle. Where would you begin? How do you stop something you do that you never noticed you did before? How can I reclaim some pride in myself? How do I get a less apologetic, harder spined Tim out of the old attic? I'm befuddled.

Someone special in my life has shaken me to the core. She sees me so differently than I ever have myself. She cares in ways I never knew people could care for me. She listens and offers support. She's sweet, kind, and beautiful beyond my hopes. I worry that I'll eventually push her away with my insecurities. They really are a strong force to be reckoned with. They push at the most immovable object sometimes. I fear to let them loose on others but I really want her to stick around. How do you stop a swelling tide of doubt in your heart? How can you let someone convince you of something about your self that you always dismissed as an impossibility?

Is it possible that I really am that great? Could I be the nicest guy she's ever met? How could I get to be her one? I guess that's what I'm wondering. What is the number one thing I need to work on to be irresistable?

I'm thinking about it too much. My typing must stop. It just feels good to get it down somewhere and wipe it off my brow for now.

I always feel like I don't know where I belong. That is what I've been trying to say.

My birthday is coming up and I'm going to Las Vegas baby! I'm so fucking excited for this trip. I need a vacation like nobody's business. I'm burnt out at work. Completely. Now Vegas is cool and all but my companion is what is really going to make the trip legendary.

Despite all of my self doubt and insecurities, I can't remember the last time I've been this happy or optimistic about the future.



Oh yeah. I'm the luckiest mofo I know.