At work we have an instant messenger tool called Same Time. I use it a lot to discuss financials and the status of my contracts with my customers. I also use it to talk to a very smart young man that, for reasons unknown to me, seems to 'get me' at the most basic level.
We discussed today the front I put up to avoid actual emotion. In two months he found a way to see right through my bullshit. I've always found it easier to let people think I'm a freak or a bitch than invest myself in a friendship that will inevitably end badly. They always do. Keeping people at arms length is just easier.
He was able, in less than a two hour time period; complete a full dissertation of my attitude. He is of the belief that I've lost too many people in my life and refuse to get hurt again. That I let people think I'm a nut so they won't expect anything from me.. so when I do something amazing they get to be pleasantly surprised. Never disappoint them and thrill them when I don't.
The part that's fucking with my brain is the fact that he's absolutely, totally... correct.
I'm not the fuck up that people assume I am. I'm smarter than they give me credit for but I refuse to have my heart broken again. I refuse to watch one more person that I love die in front of me. If I don't let them love me, If I don't love them then I can't get hurt and I can't disappoint them.
How can a 22 year old kid that's known me for 2 months actually have such a handle on who and what I am when I don't know myself?
I'm transparent.
We discussed today the front I put up to avoid actual emotion. In two months he found a way to see right through my bullshit. I've always found it easier to let people think I'm a freak or a bitch than invest myself in a friendship that will inevitably end badly. They always do. Keeping people at arms length is just easier.
He was able, in less than a two hour time period; complete a full dissertation of my attitude. He is of the belief that I've lost too many people in my life and refuse to get hurt again. That I let people think I'm a nut so they won't expect anything from me.. so when I do something amazing they get to be pleasantly surprised. Never disappoint them and thrill them when I don't.
The part that's fucking with my brain is the fact that he's absolutely, totally... correct.
I'm not the fuck up that people assume I am. I'm smarter than they give me credit for but I refuse to have my heart broken again. I refuse to watch one more person that I love die in front of me. If I don't let them love me, If I don't love them then I can't get hurt and I can't disappoint them.
How can a 22 year old kid that's known me for 2 months actually have such a handle on who and what I am when I don't know myself?
I'm transparent.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
One of the ways to overcome pain anxiety and get stronger is experiencing life, including the pain, which is part of it. One reduces one's sensitiveness to it by practicing (in this case, "by experiencing" would be better said.) And so one learns to avoid mistakes and bad approaches to relationships, becoming wiser about them. It is part of growing up, and one matures in the various aspects of life at different paces.
What would be happiness without pain ? And pain is useful because, like everything else in life, it is educative. Of course, one has to beware not to learn the wrong lessons, not to assume too much.
Aaah ! And the fun of all that catharsis later ...
Cheers,
Lord_Frous
[Edited on Jul 09, 2004 8:57PM]
regardless, maybe you need to be figured out...there's no need for someone so awesome to feel so bad.